"Hope in Front of Me"

So, I ordered Danny Gokey's book "Hope in Front of Me" and I began reading it this morning; I'm on chapter 8 now. It always amazes me when other people have experienced what I'm going through and we all end up with the same questions and similar regrets. He said something in chapter 5 "Faith held on to me because I no longer had the strength or the will to hold on to it."  That hit me like a ton of bricks because I know that is where I have been in all of this. I am slowly beginning to accept that I will not get the answers and it is ALWAYS going to seem like we were robbed of what should have been. I know I should just be thankful for the time we had, but I'm just too selfish for that right now. I'm accepting that in order to keep from going crazy I am going to have to stay incredibly busy. Most of all I'm starting to accept that even though I'm mad, there is some reason I'm still here. I have no idea why yet, but there has to be a reason and I need to find what that reason is. I need to raise these kids the way Steve would have helped me raise them; now I just do it alone. These realizations do not change much; I'm crying as I write this. The realizations simply give me another reason to get up and function every day.

I have been telling myself that no matter what, I have to trust that God has some plan, as bad as I think this plan sucks, I'm not God. This internal conversation keeps me held together about 75% of the time now.