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My emotions have been all over the map the past few days. The overwhelming thing I feel is sad because I miss him and us so much. I cannot come up with the words that would adequately describe this feeling. Every day I realize something else that I will never have again or that I wish I had done differently, adding the new realizations to the ones I have already had has become completely overwhelming. My daughters will now be raised without a father to show them what a man should be. No father to tell them how beautiful they are how and to show them how valuable they are. I know many women get divorced and raise children on their own, but the difference none of this was chosen.  He was a wonderful man and he would have been exactly the kind of man they needed to look for later.

I'm also very frustrated because I'm navigating all of this alone. It seems like everyday there are problems that I'm having to try to figure out alone and it is very frustrating. I'm not talking stuff like I need a piece of furniture moved, I'm talking major life and business issues that only him and I had a stake in. This stuff doesn't mean as much to anyone else, so they can't grasp the depth of the importance or the pain.

When you're a kid you always think you're the only one going through something. Everything is such a major deal and no one understands you. You grow up and realize how childish that way of thinking is. Unbelievably there is a place a lot like that place as an adult. There are very few others who can grasp this pain and it's a toss up, out of the ones you know, as to whether or not they made it through. That's how I feel most, it's a toss up.

Of the people I know who lost a spouse, probably 90% of them masked their pain with alcohol or drugs. I haven't drank a drop, smoked a puff, touched a drug, not even a sleeping pill. It's not because it hasn't crossed my mind. I would love to not be present for this pain. There have been two reasons I haven't touched it. 1. My kids have now suffered the trauma of loss twice in their short lives. 2. Since he had to die, maybe I'm supposed to feel this pain. If I don't feel it now and learn whatever I'm supposed to learn, what happens next to get my attention.