Re-evaluate

At first I only questioned God on why and then I found myself re-evaluating EVERYTHING I believe. From the character of God to the existence of Heaven and everything you can possibly imagine in between. Scriptures have become more ambiguous than ever to me; I have spent time questioning why something is written a certain way in one verse and in the next verse a very important part of the first verse doesn't seem to be there. Why two preachers I highly respect and believe are anointed by God, can have two totally different takes on vital issues to me.

I have literally thought if people could hear my thoughts, they would think I was crazy. 

A lot of people might think I'm crazy, but I've come to learn that almost all of us who lose a spouse have the EXACT same thoughts.

I will say that for years I have thought that I'm missing something and I still haven't found it, but I think I'm going to. Believing in Jesus crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension were never hard for me. Believing that God, as big and vast as he is, sees me individually and cares for me individually has been my biggest hangup. There are obviously many smaller issues that I think I have to address as well.

When you are completely broken with no hope the only thing you can do is lay it all down. Give up!

Once I completely gave up all my preconceived ideas and everything I ever thought I knew, I realized how much I really don't know. I am now in the process of re-evaluating these things. It's frightening in once since because I don't do well with change, but I'm also looking forward to hopefully finding what I've been missing.