The Two Shall Become One

I found myself in a downward spiral this past week. This grief thing is completely unpredictable and "the stages" seem to keep repeating themselves. I was talking to another widow about conversations with God and again I am hit with the realization that a lot of us feel the same things, but many of us don't say what we feel.

I have had many conversations with God about this pain. Until September 11, 2013, I had always enjoyed my life here and heaven was a just a distant thought  of something I knew would come someday, but I was in no hurry. Recently, I found myself in a hurry to get there. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just missing the other half of me and I long to connect us again. There is no amount of explanation that can make this understandable to anyone.

This level of grief can make you question things you would never have thought to question before. I have wondered if Steve will have forgotten how much we loved each other by the time I get there. I have wondered if he's just too happy to care. I have wondered if he can see how horribly I'm handling this. I have wondered if what I do from here on out affects who we are to each other in heaven.
I have begged God to just tell Steve how much I love him.

Mark 10:8 Jesus was talking to the Pharisees and he told them that when a Man and Woman get married "the two become one." I've been thinking a lot about how I do not feel like a whole person anymore; it's totally true, Steve and I became one. I've been trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be on my own, now that I'm the only half left here. Maybe I'm just supposed to continue being who we were together, I just have to do twice the amount of work now.

Since God decided to keep me alive, I'm praying that He will remove the pain and reveal the plan.