Hopelessness

I had really hoped that I was starting to move forward, but today has proven me wrong. I'm so angry one minute and the next my heart is breaking all over again. Trying to keep myself and the kids extremely busy was working, at least I thought it was. I don't want to forget him or diminish who he was to us, but I can't function if I'm not working towards something. Apparently some days, I'm just going to fall apart anyway and I was really hoping that I was done with feeling this much pain.

I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. last night, but I couldn't go to sleep til 1am and then I woke up a little after 5a.m. The night he died just kept replaying in my head; trying to remember if he said anything as I walked out the door. We had already said goodnight and then he asked me for the plastic cup and we discussed that, so I just don't remember yet what the last thing he said to me was.

I always thought life was great here on earth, but it is totally different now and it's not so great anymore. I really miss him and I just want us back.

I hear so many stories of women whose husbands have died and shortly after, their husbands are giving them "signs". Well, I don't know if I even believe that could or would happen because I can't find any basis for that in the Bible. I do know Steve isn't giving me any signs.

I have a feeling this is going to be a really long battle and a few days ago, I thought I might be able to fight it, but today I don't even want to fight this battle anymore. I'm tired and I just want him back. I want God ,in all his power, to just put him back in the middle of my living room and let him stay.