My Biggest Fan

It sounds so cliche, but it's true, my husband was my biggest fan. I'm having one of those moments in time where I REALLY need my other half. I need my sounding board; I NEED MY BIGGEST FAN. 
So much has been happening with me and the kids. There's the normal medical and schooling issues, but then there are the overwhelming medical and school issues for all of us.

One thing I never had to worry about was my education. I have always been one of those people that just naturally loved academics and learned very easily. Every time I would start freaking out, Steve would just say, "You know your going to ace that test, so quit worrying about it" he always reminded me of the last time I freaked out and everything turned out great. Law school is a whole new world. It's nothing like college, not even my Masters classes compare to how demanding this is. I miss my FREAK OUT partner. I am freaking out all by myself now and there's no voice of reason calming me down.

I am getting an average of about 5 hours of sleep a night, NOT continuous. My body and my brain are revolting . I'm losing focus on even simple things; it doesn't feel like widow fog anymore, it's sleep deprivation.

I'm going to have to make some medical decisions for myself in a few days and I need to make some life adjustments for us going forward and it absolutely sucks to have to make these decisions without him. It's one of those times in life where I don't just want him here, I NEED him here to "stand up when I can't."

I know that first he would tell me that he knows I can do this and then he would tell me to do what I felt was right, but having the memory of what he would say is not helping. He knew the darkest and the brightest parts of who I am and he always believed in me. Most days I just miss him, right now, I miss HOW SAFE I FELT just to be with him.