A week ago, two of my friends began the tragic journey through the grief of losing the love of your life. One of them was a man married to a High School friend of mine, Laura. They had just suffered a miscarriage and then she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and died about a week later. They had no living children. The other was a man who had beat cancer twice, but the side effects of the transplant eventually killed him. He left behind my friend, Brianna, and their four children. It's impossible, now, for me to hear about someone losing their spouse and not immediately go back to how I felt in those first few minutes, days, and months. I have not figured any of this out, but I understand the pain. I cannot lessen the pain for them, but I think I can offer some insight to those watching them suffer and have no idea what to do. If you REALLY want to help, here are some tips:
1. Pray for them. In the moments of my greatest depression and doubt, I found comfort knowing that there were people out there who cared enough to pray me through it.
2. Be there. A lot of people say "let me know if you need anything" which is understandable. You don't know what to say or do. But, a new widow is struggling to put one foot in front of the other, struggling just to breathe; they can't tell you what they need. I had ONE friend who called me or texted me EVERY DAY for almost a year. ONE! Thankfully, she was one I could be real with. When life got hairy for her, another friend showed up about 16 months in and checked on me every day. There were other people who periodically popped in. But, a person grieving this deeply needs a connection with at least one person every day. There is no time frame to how long they will need someone available to talk. Some days they will be very closed off and not talk, other days they will scream and yell.
3. Be o.k. with just being there and not knowing what to say. I was looking for someone to talk to especially about the deep things. I didn't need someone to judge me and tell me I was wrong. I needed someone to accept my doubt and understand that everything in life was now impossible for one person to deal with. This is not the time to be a judgmental christian. This is the time when people are searching for hope, not damnation.
4.Financial stability. Some people have life insurance policies that will help cover costs. Most of us do not. If friends and family had not rallied together to help us I would have lost the house and wouldn't have been able to afford to bury my husband or buy a headstone.
5. Help them remember to pay bills, eat, buy basic items. It's called widow fog; it happens to all of us. We feel like we are losing our minds because we can't remember anything. I had the money to pay the water bill, I just forgot to pay it, until they shut it off.
6. Balance. There is a delicate balance between allowing a widow time to grieve alone and not leaving a widow alone so much that they get depressed. It's tough to figure out, but if you pay close enough attention you will see the signs of what he/she needs. They need to be able to fall apart without their kids seeing it, yet they need their kids to give them some reason to keep going. They need to cry alone, yet they need you sitting there to tell them they aren't alone and it's normal.
7. Take your cues. A widow will go through so many different emotions in one day and sometimes a million emotions at one time. Sometimes they will want to talk about their spouse and remember the good times, other times they would prefer that no one mentions him because they know that 'right now' they just can't hold it together. The best way to handle this is listen to them talk. If they are talking about him then it's safe for you to, if they aren't, then maybe you should wait. This also goes for pictures, some widows want tons of pictures around. Some do not want any at all. It was too painful for me to see pictures for a long time.
8. Profile pictures. Many people will change their profile pictures to one of the deceased pictures or they will go back through the deceased facebook posts and pictures and like them. Guess what? that shows up and their widow has a minor tachycardia event because it looks like her husband is posting from beyond. I know this is something that most people do not even think about, don't feel bad. Just consider waiting until the initial shock has had time to set in before doing these things. It's wonderful for us to know the impact our spouse had on the world, but it is a little much to deal with at first.
9. Handyman stuff. It's almost a scientific fact that when a man dies, everything in his wife's life falls apart. The house starts leaking and the cars break. Basic things like cutting the grass need done and he was the only one who knew how to start the rigged lawnmower. Help her out.
10. Help keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I was reminded of this again today. My kids have always gone shopping with me for his Christmas stuff from them and he took them shopping so they could buy me what they wanted. They are not old enough to drive, so they can't go out an shop for me on their own. They wanted to surprise me on my birthday and then again today, on Christmas, and didn't have the chance to do it. I didn't even think about asking someone to take them.
We also use to bake pies every year and this year was so busy, I just bought pie. That was a bad idea. The pie tasted just fine, but I messed up another tradition for them. They lost their Dad, the least we can all do is attempt to keep everything else as normal as possible.
There are no time frames on grief or how long a widow will need your help. They will feel like they are in your way, so they will pull away. They will feel like a third wheel to their married friends and quite honestly it will hurt, VERY BADLY, to see other couples happy and living life, so they may retreat from married friends for awhile. Don't get your feelings hurt, imagine what he or she is going through and be patient. No matter how much they pull away, DO NOT WALK AWAY.
Life is fragile..Handle with care.
Brianna's Story: https://www.gofundme.com/m8bqj5ec
Laura's Story: https://www.gofundme.com/zse476sy
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