Today has been one of those days that only a woman truly understands. It's the kind of day where a man asks what's wrong and the only answer you can give is "everything." Sometimes, EVERYTHING is wrong! Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to ask someone what's wrong and get an answer like everything, so I try very hard to be able to give direct, defined answers.
I've tried to find the words and I can think of some, but I don't know that the way a man's brain works will be able to understand why it's such a big deal to us. I'm going to try to explain it. This will not be the same thing that is wrong with every woman every time she says "everything" but for the most part as I look back, it is almost always what is wrong with me when I say everything. Here it is: I feel like a failure at everything! On those days, I felt like a failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a student, a woman, a business owner; a failure at every hat I wear. I am very well aware that Life isn't perfect, but for some reason I still try to make it as perfect as I can. Obviously, I fail at that particular goal. Some days, I feel like ALL, or at least the majority, of the parts of me (the ton of hats I wear) are horrible at the same time. The thoughts that run through our heads and the emotions that come from them are real to us. This is why it's easier to say everything because the list could go on and on for miles:
Just a few things that are wrong with our appearance:
- Crepey (Kra pee) skin. I know the men have no idea what this is so I googled a pic for you.
- Age spots
- Wrinkles
- Gained weight
- Lost weight but can't even tell
- Stretch marks
- Varicose veins
- Eczema
- Dry Skin
- Oily Skin
- Acne
- Thinning hair
- Hair falling out (Stress actually does cause this, it's not just something some woman made up)
- Gray Hair
- Stupid hair
- Etc
On to our other thoughts:
- I hate to cook, so how crappy of a wife and mom does that make me?
- I didn't get the laundry done
- Forgot to pay the bill
- Never spend enough time with my husband
- Never spend enough time with my kids
- Never spend enough time with parents, siblings, extended family.
- Are the kids involved in enough stuff?
- Are the kids involved in too much stuff?
- Completely screwed up the assignment
- Did horrible on the test.
- Forgot the appointment
- Forgot to bill the client
- Forgot to send the email
- Missed the deadline
- Etc
Most of the time only a few of these failures circle my mind, but I noticed on the "everything" days, it is like failure overload. It is all coming at me at once and I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything or anyone. Any change in circumstance can change our perception of who we are.
When your teenager thinks they know more than you do, you're a horrible parent, but when you buy them a car you're great. When you are getting straight A's in school it's obvious to everyone that your a good student, when your business is successful everyone assumes you know what you're doing. Spin the circumstances the other direction and suddenly you're a different person.
I remember having one of these days about 5 years ago and when Steve was asking 20 questions to get to the bottom of what was wrong, I said something about being a horrible wife. He responded with another question: Since you're MY wife, wouldn't I be the one to know how good or bad of a wife you are? While that was true, my thought was, of course, while I'm crying about being a horrible wife he is going to tell me how great I am. He did do that, but he also pointed out that we all have bad days because we are not perfect, but what matters is the heart behind it all.
At the end of the day, "everything" all comes down to how we see ourselves. Some people always see themselves as a failure and they don't ever find there way out of that mind set. Other's see themselves in a more positive light and sometimes the light goes out and all they see is dark. Those are the "everything" days. I'm glad they are few are far between. They are harder now because he's not here. There are things I don't feel like I could tell anyone but him, so they stay inside and yes, I know that makes it worse, but what's a girl with trust issues going to do? So, I'll go to sleep and hope tomorrow is not an "everything" kind of day.
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