Voiceless?

A little while back, I had a strange dream, a lot of it is too personal to share, but the main point is there was a man physically trying to stop me from speaking. It was not a normal dream, it was very disturbing;the kind Steve would have woken me up from. I knew what it meant as soon as I woke up and I knew the reason I was given the dream; it was all to protect me. Then, fast forward a few days from the dream and I heard a widow talking about how she had researched the word "widow" and it's origin means VOICELESS. Seriously? I mean, I guess I understand that in the first stages of being a widow, but it has been the opposite for me as time goes on. I have begun to find my voice now. Not that being married to Steve made me voiceless. But, I relied on him to be my voice, a lot.

I've been finding my own voice for the past few months. I got married at 18 and I had a wonderful marriage. I wouldn't change any of it, except how it ended. I wouldn't change it because it made me who I am. But, who am I, alone? It seems like everything gets defined by relationship status. I even have to figure out which box to check on medical forms. It is mentally exhausting to sit there and think well, I don't really feel single, but I can't check married because then they want spouses contact info and most of them don't even have a widowed box. I feel like saying I'm single is a lie because I didn't choose to be that way, if he was alive I wouldn't be single. Maybe I'll start a campaign to abolish the relationship status boxes on medical forms (probably not, but it sounded good in my head). They can just ask who to contact in case of emergency, they don't need to now how they are related, do they?

Seriously though, what are the things about me that I like and don't like? What do I want to change and where do I want to be a year from now? I guess I'm at the stage where I'm realizing that even though the pain remains, life does have to keep going. People tell you that all the time, but grief is such a personal thing, you eventually begin to just tune people out (Sorry, just being honest). Grief doesn't work as neatly as everyone wants it to and I am reminded daily that it will never be over. It is a process that will take my entire lifetime, but that doesn't mean my WHOLE life will be all about grieving. I'm seeing enough hope to start thinking about something other than what I've lost. I'm starting to plan for the future.  I want to do something to make the world better when I leave it.



But, I still am not sure about me. The other day someone asked me what kinds of things I like to do and I had no idea how to answer that question. Steve and I immersed our lives in ministry stuff, kids, and businesses. I do not have any clue what I like to do. I've been thinking about it the past few days and it is absolutely pathetic that I do not know. So, I have given myself a challenge: over the next 6 months I am going to figure out what I like to do. Just me! No one else involved. It sounds so incredibly selfish and unlike me that it's almost hard to actually type. Obviously, I'm still a Mom so I have to do stuff with my kids, but when it comes to figuring out who I am, I want to know what I enjoy all by myself; when there are no kids and no husband, what do I like to do? I don't know, but I'm going to find out. By the end of 2015, I will have a list.

By the way, I'm not voiceless!