Secondary Loss

Secondary losses are losses that you experience beyond the loss of your loved one through death or divorce. 

As we celebrated his life at his memorial service two years ago today, I never thought I would survive this long. 

At first, I was so overwhelmed by the loss of Steve, that I didn't understand the gravity of everything else I had lost. It doesn't take too long until it all hit me. As if losing my husband and best friend was not enough, I lost my identity as well.

I went from being someone who only needed to help make decisions to the only person being relied on.

I wasn't built for this. People have been telling me for 2 years how strong I am, and all I can think of is how weak I am. If they could see what goes on in my head, they would never even consider saying I'm strong. 

I wasn't built to lead; at the core of me is a strong desire to HELP make life better for other people. I have no desire to lead anyone,  let alone myself.

People think that just because I am in Law School I must be a leader, not all lawyers are like that. Again, my passion for law is there because I desire to HELP people that need help.

I'm sure there are many women out there that are wonderful leaders and love it. I'm happy they are happy. I, however, do not love being the only one responsible for everyone and everything in my house. I hate being the only one making all the decisions. I do not like that my daughters have watched me struggle to figure out how to do all of this stuff I wasn't supposed to do alone. I completely understand that some people will view it as a good thing for my daughters to see me survive, but that is never what I wanted for them. I wanted them to grow up seeing me be who I was designed to be, not who circumstances forced me to be. 

The Hebrew word for woman in the bible is also the same word used for wife and it means "helpmate". All these years I have been a help mate and I absolutely loved that. 

If you have ever survived the death of a spouse or been divorced you may understand my position. When we are no longer a spouse, our roles in life change. If it is due to death or a contested divorce, we didn't have a choice in the role change and it really feel like who we are has been stolen.

Something as simple as picking a hotel room, a dentist, or a doctor has become a major issue for me. Most of the time I just want to throw the computer and run away because I'm tired of always having to make these decisions alone.

I miss who I used to be. I miss everything I was to him. The role I played in his life and being that important to him.  I'm just spiritually, physically, and emotionally tired of having to be someone I'm not.

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