Since I was a child, I have always believed in a God powerful enough to fix anything, even death. I remember when I was 7 and my grandmother died, I continually prayed for resurrection and was shocked when she didn't rise from the dead. Growing up, I've witnessed death and pain and I always told myself one thing or another to make it easier to handle. Now, I find myself in a position where none of my excuses fit. I stood there holding on to him praying and believing that he was going to live and after they said there was nothing more they could do, all I could think is why didn't God fix it and even until now, I have questioned why Lazarus deserved better than Steve. Why didn't God just give him his life back. I have no answers for why he didn't; I have plenty for why he should have.
Matthew 10:8 Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy,drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give.
Romans 8:11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in
you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your
mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Luke 1:.37 For nothing is impossible with God
Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you
have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain,
'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible
for you."
John 5:21 For just as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, even so the Son gives life to whom he is pleased to give it.
Mark 9:23 "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."
The list goes on and on, but the question remains why I have always believed these things, but it didn't work. So, I'm left with doubt that I didn't have before. I still have no doubt about the existence of God, but he doesn't appear to be who I always thought he was. Unless, I'm just not who I thought I was. Maybe I didn't believe, even though I thought I did. We had struggled a lot over the past year with finances and health and I kept saying, I can feel a break through coming; it's going to be o.k. Maybe neither of us knew anything and as much as we thought we were following the will of God and advancing the Kingdom, maybe we weren't. I have no idea anymore. I have never believed that God caused tragedy, but this has made me wonder if maybe it's all my fault, maybe God thought he needed to get through to me about something and this was his way of getting my attention. But again, I never thought God would be that cruel. Now I find myself in a place, where I would have gone to Steve and laid all this out and said I need your help. There are so many times in just the past week, that I have needed to talk to him and get advice, trying to imagine the rest of my life without him is overwhelming.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteGod is who you have always known Him to be. He is powerful, good, faithful, all knowing, ever present, etc. He still is the Great Healer, but we are not the ones who determine His will. This matter of praying and believing has always been a source of struggle for me as a Christian. I, too, have prayed for healing of loved ones, only to see them die or continue to suffer. I have had to answer Alahna's questions of "Why didn't God heal Aunt Toni? I asked Him to not let her die, and He did." That's a tough answer, and not a simple one for me to understand, let alone try to explain to a 7 year old girl.
Please remember that our faith and level of belief does not dictate what God must do. We are to pray according to His will, not our own. We must follow the example of Jesus himself, who prayed for the cup to pass (his desire), but yet submitted himself to the will of the Father. A plan that was full of grief and pain and death. Yes, there was a resurrection that followed, but that too was for a greater purpose, not just for himself.
Please remember that as you grieve and work through the pain of this incredible loss, you are weak and the enemy will do all he can to keep you down and cause you to forget God's goodness, love, and faithfulness. There will always be many who love you who will be standing in the gap for you, standing in prayer with swords drawn, fighting for you when you can barely lift your head. Our ever loving Father will wake people in the middle of the night or bring you to mind in the midst of a hectic day, just as He has already done, just so we can stand beside you and help you through the struggles ahead. Jesus, himself, will be always walking with you. His Spirit, yes, the one that raised Jesus from the dead, will make available to you that same power to keep walking, keep fighting, overcoming every obstacle that stands between you and victory over the grief of death.
There are many stages of grief that you will go through, some longer than others, some more painful, and you may not need this encouragement at this time, but I pray that when the time is right, you will read it and you will be strengthened by the promises of our God.
I love you my Sister and friend. I will be praying protection for you from the lies that I know the enemy will be throwing at you. Praying that you will feel the arms of your Savior around you in your darkest moments. Your life must continue to be lived for Him and through Him. Only then will you be all you need to be for your children and continue to advance the Kingdom of God.
Love and Prayers,
Susie
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI am not as good with words as Susie, but I agree totally with her. Jesus is walking with you, you are in his hands now. I understand how you are feeling. I do not know or want to know the depth of the pain you feel. Your faith is strong, you know God does not punish, he is a loving God. Yet Satin does tempt, do not give him any power here, Steve would not want that and neither do you. I know you cannot take it to Steve anymore but now but you need to take it straight to God your father. We are all standing and fighting, praying for you. Sometimes we do not understand things that happen but if you stay in faith God will bring you to happiness again. I believe there are 7 stages to grieving you are just starting that journey but with the grace and strength of God you will make it and Your love for Steve will never fade but the pain you are feeling will with time. DO NOT LET THIS TRAGEDY define your life. You must continue to live and trust in our God. He knows all and he will take care of you. There are reasons for everything and we do not understand but some day I believe we will. WE have to trust that God know what is best for All
You are loved and many are praying for you
Gwen
Susie and Gwen, excellent replies.
ReplyDeleteAmy, you 'feel' lost... rightfully so, you're grieving, and it will take some time for that feeling to subside. Remain faithful to God and He will see you though. Only God can heal a broken heart.