I have been searching and seeking God for help. I've read more books in the last few months than I had read in years. I have gone to multiple churches and listened to even more ministers online. I've taken online classes to try to help myself. I'm to the point that I just feel betrayed and abandoned by God.
My parents have served God my entire life. They have sold houses, cars, furniture to put into the church. They have given church members food, money, and cars. Steve and I were saved and raising our kids in church. We worked in the church, gave money to the needy, gave a car to someone in need. I know that you are not saved by works, but faith without works is dead.
As he was in that hospital room, I did not discuss anything with him about the possibility that he wouldn't make it out alive. I relied on our faith because that is what I was taught. We had faith for more than 10 years that infertility would be overcome. We had faith for 15 years that he was healed of diabetes. Major life struggles that would have been nothing for God to fix, we had faith that He would but He never did. Steve and I discussed why I wasn't healed of PCOS and why he wasn't healed of diabetes and we just kept saying, we were healed; we just hadn't seen the manifestation yet. Well, NOW the healing doesn't really matter anymore because he never saw a manifestation while on this earth and since he is gone it really doesn't matter if I suffer infertility anymore. So, I look at the whole of our lives and we spent 18 years fighting in faith for healing and money issues.
I understand that there are a lot of things I'm not going to understand because God is not logical. However, I'm tired of hearing other widows talk about how they "felt God's presence" or an Angel came to them or "God told me" such and such or they received a sign from heaven about their deceased spouse. I have been broken and I don't "feel" God, I don't "hear" God, I haven't seen any Angels. On September 4th, I thought God told me that Steve was going to be fine. This past summer I thought God told me we were getting ready to have a breakthrough in the business. Apparently I was wrong and God didn't say any of that.
What's wrong with me? Why doesn't God see how desperately I need him to help me out. He has to be able to see this pain, He's God!
I don't doubt God exists, for some reason I still know that He does. I'm just wondering why other people feel Him and hear Him and I don't. I have searched and searched for what I could be doing wrong. I'm not holding any grudges, I tithe, etc. I can't figure it out. But, I have heard hundreds of preachers say, if you're not hearing God, then you are the one that moved. I am trying to figure out when and how I moved and how to get back to where I need to be.
Life without Steve and without feeling any presence of God or hearing anything from him doesn't seem like much of a life. I'm tired of trying.
No comments:
Post a Comment