Obituary

Most of the time I feel numb. I'm just going through the motions attempting to keep it together every day. I try my hardest not to think about it until there's no way around it.

Last night I woke up sometime in the night absolutely terrified. I have no idea why; I assume I had a dream, but I don't remember it. All I could think about was Steve, and for the entire day I have felt like something is wrong (other than the fact that my husband died). I don't know what it is, but I can't shake it. 

The obituary came out in the paper today and people started calling asking what happened. I have gotten pretty good at holding it together in front of people; I don't fall apart until I'm home. The Leader called and wants to do a story on Steve's life, so they asked me a lot of questions. When I got home and pulled the Leader out of the mailbox, I started crying before I ever saw the obituary page. I knew it was there, but seeing it brings another level of reality that I'm not ready to face. 

I feel like my head and my heart are at odds again. Part of me knows that Steve doesn't even care what is happening here and he's not giving any of us a second thought. But, if I keep myself busy and do whatever I can NOT to think about him, I feel guilty for not thinking about him every second.  I don't want to forget anything about him and I'm so afraid I will forget something. I don't want time to minimize what we shared and even though I have no choice, I can't seem to let it go. There are times it still just doesn't feel real; I actually picked up my phone intending to call someone else today and I called Steve's phone. I have no idea how long it will take for me to face total reality, but I know I haven't completely faced it yet.