Full of regret

The nights are hard, but the morning is worse. Waking up every day and realizing that this is what my life is now, is almost unbearable. It seems like every day I remember something else that brings more regret. I woke up this morning and remembered that Steve was intending to take the girls birthday shopping for me on September 3 (my birthday is September 4, and he almost always waited til the last minute). Because he was admitted to the hospital that day, he told them he would take them shopping when he got out. We had no idea what was coming and how long he would be in there and the girls kept asking about it. So, on September 11 I told them they could go birthday shopping with my Mom. They went shopping that day and then when they came to see Steve at the hospital later, they brought my presents to the room. He was quiet about it and didn’t say anything. I just assumed he was tired, but looking back now I wonder if it hurt his feelings that I let them go without him. He died that night.

On the same day, the nurse had brought him a recliner into his room so he could sit up for a couple of hours, but he was hurting to bad. He only stayed in it about an hour, then he went back to his bed. I sat down in that chair and started taking care of business stuff. I barely held his hand that day. The day before, I was right next to him, holding his hand, but on the day he died, out of the 12 hours I was there, I only held his hand for probably 10 minutes.

Then of course before I left he said he didn’t want me to go, I stayed another 30 minutes and then left. At least I kissed him goodbye, but then when I left the room he just watched me leave.

I can’t stop wondering what he was thinking throughout the day and after I left. Was he hurt that I sent the girls shopping without him? Was he wishing I would hold his hand, but he didn’t want to bother me? Why was I just so sure he was coming home, that I didn’t think about any of this then? Obviously he doesn’t care now, but what was he thinking right before he died. Even thought he doesn’t care now, that doesn’t stop my regret and wondering if he was sad in the last moments of his life. If he truly understood how much I need him, could he have held on.