Secondary Loss

Secondary losses are losses that you experience beyond the loss of your loved one through death or divorce. 

As we celebrated his life at his memorial service two years ago today, I never thought I would survive this long. 

At first, I was so overwhelmed by the loss of Steve, that I didn't understand the gravity of everything else I had lost. It doesn't take too long until it all hit me. As if losing my husband and best friend was not enough, I lost my identity as well.

I went from being someone who only needed to help make decisions to the only person being relied on.

I wasn't built for this. People have been telling me for 2 years how strong I am, and all I can think of is how weak I am. If they could see what goes on in my head, they would never even consider saying I'm strong. 

I wasn't built to lead; at the core of me is a strong desire to HELP make life better for other people. I have no desire to lead anyone,  let alone myself.

People think that just because I am in Law School I must be a leader, not all lawyers are like that. Again, my passion for law is there because I desire to HELP people that need help.

I'm sure there are many women out there that are wonderful leaders and love it. I'm happy they are happy. I, however, do not love being the only one responsible for everyone and everything in my house. I hate being the only one making all the decisions. I do not like that my daughters have watched me struggle to figure out how to do all of this stuff I wasn't supposed to do alone. I completely understand that some people will view it as a good thing for my daughters to see me survive, but that is never what I wanted for them. I wanted them to grow up seeing me be who I was designed to be, not who circumstances forced me to be. 

The Hebrew word for woman in the bible is also the same word used for wife and it means "helpmate". All these years I have been a help mate and I absolutely loved that. 

If you have ever survived the death of a spouse or been divorced you may understand my position. When we are no longer a spouse, our roles in life change. If it is due to death or a contested divorce, we didn't have a choice in the role change and it really feel like who we are has been stolen.

Something as simple as picking a hotel room, a dentist, or a doctor has become a major issue for me. Most of the time I just want to throw the computer and run away because I'm tired of always having to make these decisions alone.

I miss who I used to be. I miss everything I was to him. The role I played in his life and being that important to him.  I'm just spiritually, physically, and emotionally tired of having to be someone I'm not.

. 

2 years

I had a few nightmares last night and then when I opened my eyes this morning, my first thought was how soon can I take a nap. Facing today has been an issue at the forefront of my mind for a couple of weeks now. Less than a month ago, I had an unexpected surgery at the same hospital Steve was in when they told me he was not even stable enough to transport. I was home for a little more than a week and then Joey's son had a planned surgery. So, we spent 4 days in a hospital at the beginning of September. He is recovering well. On the bright side, I don't have a panic attack every time I walk in a hospital now.

People have asked me why I don't write as much as I used to. It's because I do not feel like I have anything new to say. All of the things  I have written are all still things I deal with. There is really only one issue, I haven't talked a lot about and that is only because I wasn't really sure what it was until recently. 

Anxiety.  I'm sure some of it was there before Steve's death and it just wasn't bad enough to recognize until lately. It shows up in every thing now. At first I just had flashbacks of the CPR and them shocking him, then I felt the chest pain and panic attacks. Now, I deal mainly with self doubt, regrets, and worry. I always feel like I'm screwing something up. There is often an ominous feeling like something or someone else I love is going to disappear. People with anxiety need reassurance (from everyone in our lives) like they need oxygen, which poses another problem; we need the reassurance, but we also seriously feel like we are a burden and seriously do not want to burden anyone so we pretend everything is fine and no one knows. This cycle leads to a lot of  loneliness and overthinking.

The regrets never go away; I can find a way to put them in the back of my mind for a little while, but they resurface frequently. The regrets of the past fuel my future. I see everything differently now; my priorities have definitely changed. Not that Steve wasn't my main priority, but if I had it all to do over again, I would have done some things differently. Less than two months before he died he wanted to go on a short family trip, but I was worried about money. You have no idea how much I wish I had the memories of that trip; the pictures of him and the girls on that trip would be incredible. There are many things I would change; at the time everyday life is happening, you always feel like you need to other things. In the end, the only thing you will want to remember is the time you spent loving someone

Silence still hurts

Again, I'm realizing another thing I thought I had worked through. Apparently, as busy as my I try to keep my life and as much as I have continued to live, I still don't like silence.  I've enjoyed background noise all my life. I don't like loud, obnoxious noise, but I want to hear people talking. Maybe it makes me feel less alone, I don't really know. Silence is not just an inconvenience for me, it's so much more than that.

Early in the morning on Tuesday, I had to go to the hospital because I was experiencing a lot of abdominal pain. I'm not a big advocate of pain medicine, but I was that day for sure. They got the IV in and gave me the first shot of dilaudid; that dulled the pain for about 10 minutes. They came in and gave me another dose that only lasted for about 10 minutes. Finally, she came in and doubled the dose; I'm not sure how long it worked, but it wasn't very long. When they came back again, they told me they couldn't give me any more because it was going to send me into respiratory distress. I had to wait two hours.

My son, and two of my daughters were there in the room from the beginning. I know they were there because they drove me up there but, the dilaudid had me very out of it. I could still feel the pain, but I was having vivid dreams at times. I don't remember my kids talking, but I saw Steve; maybe I will be able to go into that more another time. I was amazed at how completely out of it I was. I was aware enough to talk to people periodically, but zoned out enough to not care about anything.

I remember thinking about Steve when the nurse told me they couldn't give me anymore dilaudid because it would send me into respiratory distress. I was thinking no one seemed too concerned about doing that to Steve. He was on way more of it than I was and within the hour he died, the nurse had given him an extra dose of dilaudid.

After I woke up from surgery I was thinking, now I have some small idea of the medication high Steve was on. I had never been in the hospital for anything before. Now, I understood that Steve really had no realization of what was happening around him and he certainly didn't have a choice. Which leads me to a hundred other questions about what I should have done, but that is beside the point. That night, the next day, and in the days since after everyone has gone back to work and everything, I've had a LOT of time alone to think...

I've realized that I still hate silence. I still can't deal with it. Silence depresses me and causes me to overthink things. It's seems like such a huge setback to look back at how far you thought you had come and realize you haven't even really taken a step. Some days the thought of the fact that you have spent almost 2 years trying to work yourself through something like this and you still can't deal with something as simple as silence makes you question your ability to be able to do anything more than merely survive, EVER.

Reader Beware, I'm on a soap box!

I'm sitting here thinking about the first moments after finding out Steve had died. Why am I doing that? Because two people that I'm close to have lost people they are close to this weekend. One of the deceased was in his mid 80's and took care of himself; the other was in their mid 40's with a small child and didn't take care of themselves. The pain of losing them is similar, but the SHOCK of losing someone in their mid 40's is most often preventable

Do not for one second think that the shock is not every bit as hard to deal with as the pain. The shock is another layer of grief; it's more like another MOUNTAIN to climb and fall in the grief process. Everyone has a story and I understand that knowing the end is near is not any kind of relief. However, I can only speak from my experience and my that comes from completely unexpected loss. I'm only qualified to speak from the place of a woman who lost her 44 year old husband SUDDENLY.

Let me start by saying that I do not blame him. Neither one of us understood the gravity of his health issues. He was a strong man that seemed invincible and we had no clue what we were dealing with.

I'm writing this to hopefully make someone out there try a little harder to stick around for your wife (or husband), and kids.

Steve had high blood pressure (not constant) from his early 20's. He was diagnosed with Diabetes in his late 20's and he developed high cholesterol in his 30's. His eating habits were not really all that bad, but he had a hard time saying no to pie and chocolate shakes (most people have a hard time saying no to these things). He smoked off and on from the ages of 18 - 31. He never had any indication that there was a heart problem, NONE. When we showed up at the hospital we thought he was having an asthma attack and maybe pneumonia. We were completely SHOCKED when they said "you've had a massive heart attack that has damaged your heart muscle to the point that only 1/3 of it is functioning." How is it even possible that someone can have a heart attack that damages their heart that much and not even know it.

Knowing what I know now, I should have known it was coming. Steve's health was not good. He looked amazing, he didn't look like an unhealthy person at all. Looks are more deceiving than I ever knew. What no one could see was that uncontrolled diabetes was turning the inside of his arteries in to jelly which was causing plaque from the high cholesterol to be able to accumulate in massive amounts in his heart.

If you have chronic health issues like High blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc it does not matter how great you look on the outside, all of these diseases are slowly killing you on the inside. Here is my PSA; this is what I feel like I have earned the qualifications to say: Get off your ass and fix it. If you are overweight, work on it. SERIOUSLY, don't just talk about it. If you have High blood pressure take the meds (either prescription or holistic) while you start an exercise program to bring your blood pressure down. If you have diabetes, do the research to learn what you need to know and learn how your body reacts to everything you eat. Keep a log and work on keeping your blood sugar down. STOP doing things that are going to kill you.

Steve was one of the most unselfish people I have ever known, so understand that I am not blaming him. We had know idea what all of this was doing to him internally. BUT, now I know and now YOU know. You don't have an excuse anymore. Once you know, you have to act. It doesn't matter what your excuse is or what your disease is, you have to fight it. Make a list of things that need to change so you can live longer and then prioritize. Your spouse and kids are more important than whatever excuse you can find not to change. If you have spent any amount of time reading my previous blog posts, you know the devastation I have felt. You have to be aware of the months that I spent wishing I could just die too. You have the power to delay your loved one from feeling this and I'd say you are pretty selfish if you don't do everything you can to prevent it. Obviously, people can die unexpectedly in car wrecks and other accidental ways, but statistically only 5% of deaths in American are accidents.
If you love someone, you should be willing to do whatever you can to keep them from having to feel the pain of your death. 

23 Months and the demon named Fear

I have survived 23 months and I really thought that I had experienced all the stages of grief. I am fully aware that it is not a straight line to walk, but after 23 months you would think that there would be no more surprises. What I've discovered is that every time I experience a feeling for the first time without him, I walk back through all the stages again. The pain gets overwhelming, it becomes hard to breathe, and I wonder how I'm going to survive all over again.

I can't speak for anyone else's experiences, but it seems that most widows have gone through similar things. I had continual dreams about Steve from shortly after he died until this past May. Even though he is not here, I still felt connected to him; it FELT like part of him was here.  I do not believe that his spirit is on earth, that is not at all what I'm saying. I KNOW this was just me feeling connected to him. After the dream I had in May, it felt like he left me.

I didn't dream about him again until a few days ago. The last few dreams (for the past 6 months) I've had about him have been pretty heartbreaking; usually, he is alive & just doesn't want to be with me anymore. That is a pain unlike any I have experienced throughout this whole thing.  The chain of emotions that have been set off recently are ridiculous.

I NEVER doubted Steve's love for me, but throw a few stupid dreams in the mix and doubts come flooding in. Most of the time when you dream about someone you love doing something out of the ordinary, you can wake up and see them. You can reassure yourself that it was just a dream. I don't have that option anymore, there will never be another moment where he can tell me "it was just a dream." Just his presence used to give me a sense of security, that no longer exists. I wake up and I'm left with questions and doubts and insecurity.

So, I found myself moving into anger recently and it's not angry at God anymore. I've been angry with Steve. It's crazy, because in my head, I know he didn't choose to leave me, but my heart cannot reconcile how he could have done this. How could he have shared so many years with me, made me feel loved and wanted, built this life and then left me alone. He was my best friend and biggest supporter; he shouldn't have left me to figure out how to do life without him.

And then there is my new relationship.... Some people don't understand how I can feel such deep  love for Steve and develop a new love with Joey. It's not the same relationship and navigating the emotions is not easy sometimes. I struggle with GUILT of moving on versus the reality that I have to keep living. I struggle with the FEAR that I may have to go through the pain of losing someone I LOVE this much again. The nightmares I've had that Steve has decided he doesn't want to be with me, have me dealing with some major INSECURITIES. All of these things have me angry. If Steve hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Then there is the guilt I feel that Joey has to deal with the repercussions of a woman who has LOST her husband. I know he says he understands and he can deal with it, but it is not FAIR to him. Why should Joey have to "love me louder today" because of my insecurities? He shouldn't have to, but he does it anyway.

In the end, I'm not really angry with Steve; I thought I was. I'm more angry with myself. Why did I find so much self worth in him? Why have I felt so worthless since he's been gone? I thought it was good thing to be so connected to him, but the devastation that kind of connection causes is relentless.

It almost makes me wish for amnesia, but for some reason we were designed to feel that connection. I don't know why God does the things he does, but no matter how hard I have tried, I can't change his mind. We still have the ability to make our own choices and the biggest choice I've had lately is to let the FEAR control me or take a leap of faith and believe in LOVE again. Let me tell you that even when you make a decision to side with Love, fear doesn't go away. Sometimes fear is a demon I only have to fight periodically, lately I've fought him daily; maybe even hourly. Someday, I'll be strong enough to beat him. 

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

Music has a way of connecting people through emotion. Sometimes it is good emotion, but a lot of times the worst pain can only be expressed through music. Danny Gokey was a worship leader whose wife died from complications of a routine heart surgery. I found inspiration in his book, Hope In Front of Me and most of his music has been a very realistic depiction of my feelings.

"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" is a great song; it tells the story of where I've been, but more importantly where I am. "Beginning, just let that word wash over you. It’s alright now, Love’s healing hands have pulled you through. So get back up take step one. Leave the darkness feel the sun Cause your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun"

You’re shattered
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up take step one
Leave the darkness feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Make Them Feel!

For some reason, I'm feeling pressure to write lately, but I'm unsure what to write about. To be honest, 98% of everything I've written on this blog came from a place of pain so deep that I could not control the words I typed. I've always been pretty good at controlling my emotions, but when Steve died, the pain held my thoughts and my heart hostage, which is why this blog was started. A thousand tears fell for every word typed on this blog. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I usually write through pain, and I'm in a different stage of the process now.

Here I am, 22 months later and I'm no longer living every breath of every day in that place of pain. I have allowed myself to be present in every step of the grief process; every agonizing second of it. More importantly, I am aware that it will never end. The part of the marriage vow that says "til death do us part" is a vow I will keep til the day I die. He parted from US and this life first, but my love for him will remain until I part from this life as well and because of that, the pain will never come to an end.

The pain doesn't end, but it changes. Everything changes! In the beginning I couldn't even comprehend the idea of living without him. I was not suicidal, but I would have been lying if I said I didn't want to die. It took a long time to get to a point where I actually wanted to live; being awake is finally better than being asleep. The time table is different for everyone, but it took me about 18 or 19 months to decide to live without him.  People kept asking me if I was stuck in my grief because it would make me feel guilty to be happy. No, I wasn't. I never felt guilty on the good days. Steve always wanted me to be happy. Not like the typical, "I want you to be happy" I mean he sincerely looked for ways to make me happy. He studied me until he knew me better than I knew me. So, I never feel guilty when I'm happy. It just really did take that long for me to be able to feel anything other than sad.

For the last few months, I've truly been happy again. I never thought it would be possible to get here, but I've made it. I am not naive enough to think there won't be setbacks at times, but I'm optimistic enough to realize that I've worked very hard to get to where I am and I'm not letting go.

I guess that is why I haven't been writing much.. Unlike the painful state of mind, when I'm happy, my heart and thoughts are guarded. Writing becomes more about watching what I say so I do not offend anyone rather than being transparent with what I feel. I'm working on this issue.

There are still some things I can't do because the memories are too painful, but I have made some strides. I went to a memorial service for the first time since Steve's death. That was huge for me. The deceased was a friend of Joey's and I went to support him, but I didn't realize that almost everyone at the memorial also knew Steve. It should have crossed my mind because Joey and Steve went to school together, but it didn't. Five months ago, I could never have walked into a memorial service. Not only did I do it a week ago, but I also talked to strangers that knew Steve before I did. Imagine that, ME in a room full of strangers, at a memorial service, talking to people about him. I said all of that not to be dramatic, but I want you have to a mental picture. After you have imagined it and you realize how incredibly anxious I was, you will understand how good Joey is to me. He stood right next to me with his hand on my back or holding my hand through all of it. He was making sure I was o.k. when I was supposed to be there supporting him.

I also just had to watch someone very close to me go through a lot of heart testing and cardiac catheter at the exact same hospital Steve was in when they did his cardiac cath. I have been in that hospital since Steve's death, but not in the cardiac department. The thought of sitting in that same waiting room was daunting. I kept imagining that day, my birthday, when we were just sitting there waiting for the doctor to come out and tell us everything looks good. Instead, he came out and informed me that he couldn't even believe my husband was alive and he was in critical condition waiting to stabilize before they transported him to a heart transplant hospital. Thankfully, this time, we were allowed to sit in another room and everything went well .There have been a lot of steps forward for me; there have been a few steps backwards too.

There is a point in time when I started to realize who I was and what I wanted. That meant the ending and changing of some friendships. I thoroughly believe that most of humanity lives up to what people believe about them. It works the same with both the positive and the negative  A child will believe they are smart, if you tell them they are smart. As adults we don't want to think that we put that much weight into what other people think, but we do; especially when we are vulnerable. I got to the point that having friendships with people who saw the world negatively caused me to be hurt and angry most of the time and I don't need that. I needed positive people in my life. I had a friend who was just a generally negative person and never seemed happy or satisfied with anything I did. This particular friend was actually discouraging my law school efforts so much that I began to question my choices. I ended that friendship when I realized what it was doing to me. On the opposite end of the spectrum, even back when Joey and I were just friends, he saw positive things in me that I didn't see in myself and he consistently told me those things. It took a little while, but I eventually started to believe him. Nothing in this physical world compares to the happiness and satisfaction you feel when the people you love believe in you and the choices you make.

If you don't believe me, try it. For the next couple weeks, tell someone the positive things you see in them and watch how they act when they start to believe you. We all want to live up to the potential other people see in us. You have the ability to change lives by the way you make people feel, use your powers wisely.