2 years

I had a few nightmares last night and then when I opened my eyes this morning, my first thought was how soon can I take a nap. Facing today has been an issue at the forefront of my mind for a couple of weeks now. Less than a month ago, I had an unexpected surgery at the same hospital Steve was in when they told me he was not even stable enough to transport. I was home for a little more than a week and then Joey's son had a planned surgery. So, we spent 4 days in a hospital at the beginning of September. He is recovering well. On the bright side, I don't have a panic attack every time I walk in a hospital now.

People have asked me why I don't write as much as I used to. It's because I do not feel like I have anything new to say. All of the things  I have written are all still things I deal with. There is really only one issue, I haven't talked a lot about and that is only because I wasn't really sure what it was until recently. 

Anxiety.  I'm sure some of it was there before Steve's death and it just wasn't bad enough to recognize until lately. It shows up in every thing now. At first I just had flashbacks of the CPR and them shocking him, then I felt the chest pain and panic attacks. Now, I deal mainly with self doubt, regrets, and worry. I always feel like I'm screwing something up. There is often an ominous feeling like something or someone else I love is going to disappear. People with anxiety need reassurance (from everyone in our lives) like they need oxygen, which poses another problem; we need the reassurance, but we also seriously feel like we are a burden and seriously do not want to burden anyone so we pretend everything is fine and no one knows. This cycle leads to a lot of  loneliness and overthinking.

The regrets never go away; I can find a way to put them in the back of my mind for a little while, but they resurface frequently. The regrets of the past fuel my future. I see everything differently now; my priorities have definitely changed. Not that Steve wasn't my main priority, but if I had it all to do over again, I would have done some things differently. Less than two months before he died he wanted to go on a short family trip, but I was worried about money. You have no idea how much I wish I had the memories of that trip; the pictures of him and the girls on that trip would be incredible. There are many things I would change; at the time everyday life is happening, you always feel like you need to other things. In the end, the only thing you will want to remember is the time you spent loving someone