Content or Inspired

Here I sit on the eve of the 17 month anniversary and valentines day around the corner and even though I mentally prepare myself for all of this, none of it matters. The problem with mental preparedness is that it never transfers to the heart. So, I will just hope this round of devastation passes faster than the last one.

More recent events have had me thinking about relationships between people in general; romantic relationships and friendships. A friend recently told me "I have realized that I will never be content." I've been thinking about it for a little while, because I don't understand why she said that like it was a bad thing. I don't think I have ever been content myself. Even when I had the love of my life and my family was all intact with no sicknesses. To me, being content means nothing needs to change and I don't see how that will ever be reality. Maybe it's just me, but I have always felt like I will never reach a point that I need to stop changing something. I will always need to learn more, grow more, be more, etc. Maybe I'm wrong and it's better to be CONTENT; maybe it is a defect in me. 

I have always felt like productive relationships (any kind of relationship) should encourage you to be a better person. Obviously, you don't need to be judged, but being INSPIRED is a whole different story. It seems like life would just be boring to never feel challenged to be a better version of me.


I realize that sometimes you are in a bad place and you need to be inspired and other times you are in a better place and you're the one doing the inspiring. At least there is inspiration. I don't want to be content in any relationship I have with anyone, I want you to be inspiring me or me to be inspiring you to be better people than we are right now.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I've been pondering this thought a lot lately. I've watched a few younger relationships crash and burn in the last few months and I've noticed similarities that disturb me. I remember Steve telling our kids, "if you're arguing, it's always because one or both of you is being self-centered." It's true! But, I was looking for more of an explanation as to why this selfish thread seems to be so interwoven into people.

It's not a new situation, it's just coming to light in a new way now. A lot of these kids grow up without any idea of what REAL love is. The divorce rate has been higher than 50% since I was a kid, so look at their examples.  They usually live with one parent and visit the other periodically, if at all. So, a lot of what they receive from one of their parents is talk, and a small amount of action.*  Some of these kids didn't get talk or action because a lot of them do not even know who their Dad is. Regardless, my point is a majority of our 20 somethings have a concept of love that is very shallow. They haven't seen deep love in action, THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LOOKS LIKE.
Disclaimer* I realize that there are some parents out there who manage to get divorced and still raise very well rounded children. I also realize that there are some parents who have been dealt a raw deal and it is not their desire to be a part time parent. I'm in no way attacking the parent's; I'm merely pointing out a deficiency in this generation. 

I look at these kids in amazement sometimes at how they actually seek out the SHALLOW love INSTEAD of SOMETHING DEEPER. It blows my mind. They crave the attention the person gives, more than the person themselves. They would rather have someone tell them what they want to hear, and do the opposite, than have someone who actually lives it. They find themselves being unable to build a lasting relationship because it's not built on anything but lip service. They are self-centered; it's all about how can YOU make ME feel, when it what it should be all about is how can I make YOU feel. What actions can I take to show you how valuable you are to me. Real love is so much more than sex and words! This cheap imitation version of love they think they have now will never be strong enough to weather the storms in life. If they ever learn to actually recognize the real thing, they will finally learn how to build a relationship that works.

REAL LOVE IS A DECISION

Journey of Faith

So I have had a policy of not really discussing the nitty gritty of how I feel with people. I have a couple of select people I discuss stuff with and that's it. Here is why:

Christians tend to think they know everything. I know because I used to be the same way. If you haven't figured out that you don't know everything yet, just wait, unfortunately tragedy happens to all of us.

Here is the circle logic that I have heard
1. God didn't cause this, but he allowed it
2. God controls everything
3. God Loves you
4. It wasn't God's will for Steve to die
5. Give it all to God, he will use it for his glory
6. He allows bad things to happen to us, so that we can help other people going through the same issues.
7. You are turning your back on God and you're going to Hell. (Because of my questions)

With the exception of numbers 6 and 7, those statements all sound good on the surface, but when you put 1-6 together, it's a circle. AND How do you say God Loves me (number 3) and then condemn me to Hell (number 7)  in the same breathe JUST BECAUSE I HAVE QUESTIONS!

I will be the first to admit, I do not know much, but here's what I think I know. Romans 10: 9 & 10 gives us specific instructions for salvation and I do not believe my questions make me believe Romans 10: 9 & 10 any less. I do believe that many people walk around this world calling themselves Christians and all they really are is sheep that follow along without having any idea why they believe what they do.

During one of my lowest points, a friend told me that God expects us to question what we believe. How else will we ever really know? Maybe it is in seeking the real answers, instead of the canned ones, that I will finally find some peace. I'm sorry it has been 16 months and I haven't found the answers yet, but I'm still looking for them. I haven't given up trying to find them.

I have some tough questions and I realize no one has most of the answers. That's why I don't discuss it. However, I think everyone should be aware that this kind of grief is not a choice. It is not like I have decided that this is where I stop in my journey to finding out what I believe, I will probably be on this journey for a while.

I fairly sure that this Journey of Faith doesn't condemn me to Hell. 

The Learning Curve

It's funny how Steve was always the one people sought out for marriage counseling, and now here I am, a widow, giving relationship advice to a couple of different people. Life is unbelievable!! It has had me more intentionally thinking about why our relationship worked so well and why it was so good. There is no ONE reason to put my finger on, I know that on the surface it didn't look like a marriage built to last, in the beginning.

I was 18 marrying a 26 yr old man, who had been married and divorced with full custody of two children. I know my parents had to be biting their tongues so hard they were bleeding. Steve had some issues to work through as a result of his previous marriage and looking back on it at times I know it was a mixture of immaturity and God that I didn't walk away.

The first 2 years were not near as beautiful as the last 16 were. 

One thing I knew about him though was he had a heart for God, even as much of a mess as he was at the time, he had a real relationship with God. He wasn't preachy to me or anyone; he wasn't one of those run you over to pray with you kind of guys, but his heart spoke volumes. I feel like I should insert here that I had absolutely NO idea he would end up being a minister; that might have sent me running scared, just kidding- kinda.

Anyway, I was young and even though I was probably "mature for my age," I was immature and he had so much more experience at life than I did so I guess I found it easy to trust him. I think that was the first brick in the foundation of us - Trust. We had been friends before, so it wasn't like I had just started dating some random stranger and had to figure out if he was trustworthy.

I trusted him to take us where we needed to go and he didn't abuse that trust. If he didn't know what to do we discussed it or he talked it over with someone he trusted. I remember one time I didn't trust that he was doing the right thing, it was a huge major life decision that was going to create a lot of stress for our family. I was so upset I started having panic attacks. He just kept telling me that this was the right thing to do and I didn't see it. It took about a year, but I finally saw it. It was definitely the right thing to do.

I see how hard it is for people to trust their significant others and it makes me so much more grateful for what I had. It was work on both our parts, I had to be able to let go and trust him and he had to be a man I could trust and somehow we just did. I grew up a lot and learned a lot about myself (a lot of things that needed to change) and so did he, but after learning everything we learned it was the most awesome love story ever, it just needed to last another 50 years.

New Year

I realize I have already gone through all the firsts without him, but somehow this feels new. I have gone from Jan 1 of one year to Jan 1 of another without him. Beginning to end of an entire year without seeing him, talking to him, just being with him; it seems impossible to me. 

Even though it has been over 15 months since he passed away, every day brings deeper realization that he's really gone. It's crazy how I have gotten good at putting it out of my mind for small periods of time and the next thing I know I'm recognizing that this nightmare is real. 

This time between Christmas and the first week of January was the lowest time for me in 2013 and I thought it was just because it was the first Christmas without him, but I'm finding myself in the same position again this year. Now, I've gone through multiple firsts without him and I'm working through all my seconds without him. No day is easy, but some days are tolerable. Most of the time if a really bad day hits, a decent day is not to far away. I just don't know why this time of year is an extended series of bad days.

Here's to hoping 2015 is better than 2014. 

Ruined by true love (This is what 15 months looks like)

I have survived 15 months and I still have no idea how I will survive today. Somehow even after your life is shattered, it just keeps going. It usually seems like it's been 10 years since I've seen him but on a very rare occasion, it feels like he's still here (I think the dreams help with that).

Lately, I've been reminded of all the small things that made our relationship so great. Reflecting on all those details is not easy for me, but it's happening so I go with it. Just about a month before Steve died he was talking to someone and he said "We still have the best marriage of anyone I have ever known" and he was serious. Obviously a lot of people have great marriages and none of them can be classified the best because they are all different based on the individuals involved. BUT, it is an amazing  feeling to have been with someone for 18 years and absolutely know that it is the most perfect plan God could have ever had for you. I love who he was and what he stood for. Aside from his faith,  I was the most important thing on this earth to him. There is no way to describe how amazing it felt to be the most important person on this earth to Steve Ashbrook. 

Grief counselors refer to secondary losses a lot; losses that occur as a result of losing your loved one. I thought I had recognized them all. Sometimes you grieve deeply, and can't put into words what is going through your head. I was trying to figure out a way to explain something the other day and I said it doesn't matter what the majority of women say about taking care of themselves, what they really want is to BELONG to someone. Before, you get all freaked out, I obviously don't mean slavery rights or control freak. I mean someone takes care of you when your sick, checks on you if you're late getting home, defends you and jumps right into the middle of a situation to help you; all because you belong to them. Of course, you are free to leave, but why would you even consider leaving when life is that good and someone loves you that much. For me, at least, it was the most secure feeling; to know I was his and he would do ANYTHING to keep me safe and happy. 

I miss belonging to him. I miss knowing someone so well that we just looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking...connection. I miss being in a crowded room and finding comfort just knowing he is there. Every facet of my life only felt complete because he was part of it. 

It seems as though well-meaning people (most of them actually do care about me) think that after 15 months it must be time to find another man. I have been approached about this a couple of times since 1 month after Steve died, but lately I guess it seems like people are more hopeful that I will "move on" and not be alone. During the latest attempt, I tried to explain that I have no intentions of ever loving another man. Of course, I'm lonely. I spent every day of my life with him, building a family and businesses. Literally almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man and now I'm attempting to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. It is lonely...but

Here's where I'm coming from. I don't even think it's possible to love another man. I had an AMAZING relationship with Steve; if I could even bring myself to not feel like I was cheating, then I feel like I would be comparing everything with the great relationship I've already lived. Nothing can compare and I'm fully aware of that. That wouldn't be fair to do to someone. I have been ruined by true love.

The next question I got was do you think God would want you to be alone for the rest of your life. That's a pretty loaded question. My first thought is apparently what God wants doesn't always happen, otherwise my husband wouldn't have died.  So on the very slim chance that I could ever fall in love again then I face having to go through all this pain ALL OVER AGAIN if tragedy strikes. This pain is relentless, why in the world would I voluntarily put myself in the position to have to feel it again.

I understand that a lot of widows don't feel the same way I do and that's o.k. I also understand that it is possible that my mind will change someday. I know this, IF that day ever comes (I highly doubt it), God is going to have to deliver him with a post it note on his forehead because in my opinion, I've already loved and been loved by the only man for me.

Instinct

A little over 14 months ago, I took my husband to the hospital and the nightmare began. I've always been a fairly optimistic person and up until that day I knew our faith in God would prove to be bigger than any problem we faced. I was never an overly emotional person, until that day in the hospital,. That day, something came over me; I don't know why because at that point we were under the impression that this was an asthma attack. For some reason sitting in the ER room tears starting coming down my face because I had a bad feeling that this was something else. My instinct was right. Confirmation came the next day and more confirmation the day after that. My whole world was starting to spin out of control and I had lapses of faith where I just fell apart and then I got it back together and tried my best to put on the I'm not worried face in front of my husband. So much so, that when he finally saw me falling apart I said I didn't want to talk about it because he didn't need to hear it. Even when they told us he was going to have the surgery, I was never afraid of the surgery. He asked me if I was scared of the surgery and I said, No, I'm scared of the pain you will be in after the surgery until you fully recover. Call it instinct or whatever. However, after the surgery he was doing so well that I didn't have to put on the face anymore; I really did have faith that he was o.k. and he was coming home from that hospital. My instinct was wrong.

I have thought back about the instincts I felt throughout all of that and all the time since then. I have a distinct memory on the day Steve died of sitting there in a chair next to his bed and noticing the little piece on the back of the bed that says CPR release. Looking back, I wondered if the fact that I noticed it, meant something. 

Grieving ruins instinct. It all becomes either denial or fear. Every time something remotely bad happens I immediately feel like all hope is lost. 

I had recently started to get to a place of acceptable peace; knowing that nothing would ever feel right again, but that I could try to build a life for me and my girls. Then another medical issue for one of my kids and now, I'm facing more fear and I'm trying so hard to hold onto faith, but after what happened, I'm not sure how to do that anymore. God is the only thing that can control this medical issue, not even medicine can control it 100% of the time.

Having lost all that I have, my instincts are broken. Every instinct is now fear. Sometimes it feels like God can't possibly know what is happening here, because if he had the slightest clue what I have gone though he would just heal her so I can breathe again. Then I think about all the tragedy everyone else in the world endures and I know, in my head, it could be worse.Too bad that doesn't make me feel any better. So, I do the only thing I can do at this point in time and that is be thankful for everyday I have with my kids while I wait for healing and peace.