August 13th-15th 2014

Orientation week is finally over. It was unbelievably busy and pretty strenuous, even though it was just orientation. There is already a ton of homework to do this weekend.

August 13th was Service Project Day. My group volunteered at the St. Louis Kennedy Sports Complex unloading books off of a truck and organizing them. It doesn't sound like that much work, but my feet and back were feeling it by the end of the day. We rode to the Sports complex and back in a school bus. Believe it or not, that is the first time I have ever ridden a school bus; perks of private school. I now know that I didn't miss out on anything. It was VERY LOUD! I also made the mistake of sitting in the back of the bus on the trip back to school and I was pretty nauseated by the time we got off.

August 14th was the day where we were all introduced to all the clubs on campus. I was very interested in the Constitutional Law club until I started talking to them. The first thing they said is "We are the liberal progressives on campus." REALLY! Well that plan went down the toilet.

Today, I was actually able to attend my kid's karate belt ceremony so that was great. I started trying to get some homework done, but things kept distracting me. I forgot to get a prescription, so I had to go do that. Our clients were having a problem signing on to the site, so I had to fix that.
One of my daughters went outside for something earlier today and when she came back in she said that two guys were knocking on doors on our street. My son happened to fall asleep on my couch today, so I made a little sign and hung it on the front door. I need to buy a professionally made sign like this.

Deep thoughts: I keep saying WE and OUR when referencing things that are really ME and I now. It's so hard to come to grips with the fact that he really isn't ever coming back. People tell you that you have to actually process the grief or you will never get through it. They say don't push it down because it will only come out in a worse way. The problem is if I truly processed my grief ALL THE TIME, I would not be able to survive, let alone be productive. Honestly, some days I have to push it down just to keep going. It's an unfortunate skill that grieving people learn eventually. In the beginning of this journey there is no way to filter the pain. I remember sitting in restaurants with family, riding in a car with someone, or talking on the phone and just crying uncontrollably. Now, I have learned how to turn it off until I'm alone. However, there are still sometimes that my filter breaks and I can't control the tears. Sometimes, I'm sitting here trying to solve a problem or thinking intently about a situation and I get a flash of what Steve would say at this moment. At those times, I can't help but let it all out because I miss him and there is nothing that can stop the longing. Sure, I put one foot in front of the other and "do the next thing" which means I'm surviving and I'm doing what I can to better life for my girls. All the while I know that I'm doing what Steve wanted me to do years ago and wishing I had done it then. More than anything just wishing that I could rewind all of this and make it different.

August 11 and 12

Yesterday was the 11 month anniversary of Steve's death.  Yesterday was also the first day of law school. It is definitely very intimidating, but I haven't quit yet so that's a plus. There are around 170 in our class and I met and spoke to 2  that are close to my age. One is a Part time evening student and the other is a day student in a different section. Which means at least 3 of us did something else with our younger years and decided to go to law school a little later.

I have been parking in my $105 a month parking spot. I wish I owned a 200 sq ft piece of property that someone paid $105 a moth for. Does this really look like it's worth $105 a month?

Today, I went to my first full day of school and my Mom came over to help the girls while I was gone. It went o.k. until I got home. For some reason my 9 year old thinks her world is crashing if she gets even one thing wrong on her homework. If she pronounces a word wrong and I try to explain it or if she multiplies a math problem wrong and I mark it wrong on the paper, she cries. It's not like a I'm mad at you cry, it's like she thinks she's a failure if she gets something wrong. So, when I walked in the door she was just realizing that she did a math problem wrong and she had a melt down. She has severe dyslexia, so you can imagine how often she reads something wrong. This is becoming a major problem. My emotional state isn't the greatest right now, so when she cries, I cry. It was a mess. Hopefully this will get easier.

Tomorrow is Service Project Day

August 10, 2014

I completed my first assignment today. Can you believe I have two assignments due during orientation week? I've been reading a book that is required for one of my classes, it's called The Other Wes Moore. It has been pretty interesting so far.

The good in today:  I got pulled over by a police officer today. It's the first time in years I have been pulled over. I didn't do anything wrong. When I bought my car it came without a bracket on the front of it to put a license plate. I don't know how to put a license plate bracket on my car, so I've never bothered with it. Apparently in Missouri, you have to have a front and back license plate. Of course, I had taken my Driver's license out of my purse the other day because I needed to take it into the gym with me and I forgot to put it back in my purse. The only ID I had on me was my CCW and my Private Investigator's license. Thankfully I had my son, the cop, in the car with me. It also didn't hurt that the officer had just graduated with his Masters from Lindenwood and I also received my Masters at Lindenwood so after we talked about all that, he didn't even write a ticket. Woot!

Thought process today: I'm overwhelmed at how much there is to do. I have been with my kids every day for the last 8 years. Even when I had to go on an investigation assignment for a few hours, I left them with their Dad. I feel guilty knowing that I will be spending so much time focusing on school for the next 3 years. I know it the end it will better our lives, but for now it is a sacrifice I wish they didn't have to make.
I'm not a social happy hour kind of person. I would rather go to dinner with a friend or two than to hang out in a bar with a group of people. It's not my thing. I don't drink and I don't enjoy large social functions. Orientation week has 3 social happy hour type events and all of them are mandatory. So, I will have to spend days and evening away from my kids this week and I will most likely miss their karate belt ceremony because of one of these stupid events. Somehow, I think by the time you reach law school these events should not be mandatory. The only optional event in the whole week, is the interfaith prayer breakfast. It is however mandatory that I sit with a bunch of people getting drunk. Just my opinion.

Revelation

I already messed up my new strategy; I didn't write Thursday and Friday. Thursday was just really boring! Friday was busy but very hard for a friend of mine, so I spent some time helping her with a few things.

Today, I went shopping for Law School clothes. I HATE shopping for clothes. I'm vertically challenged so finding pants short enough is difficult. I had to spend a lot of money but I finally found some. Now I have to read a book that apparently was required reading before this Wednesday, but no one told our class until yesterday. I have a feeling, I'm going to be needed to wear my glasses a lot.

Thought process lately: Everyone who knows me in real life knows that I have a polarized thinking pattern. Every thing is Black or White, Right or Wrong, etc. I have always believed that if you are TRYING to live righteously then you are under the protection of God; if you decide that you know something is wrong but want to do it anyway, then you walk out from under that protection. I still think that is true, but not to the extent my mind took it. I determined that since we were TRYING to live out everything we new to be right that God will NOT EVER allow anything like the sudden death of my husband to happen.

I keep emphasizing trying, because I am fully aware that no one can live a completely sinless life.

On the other hand, I have heard over and over again that everything that happens is in God's will. I just have not been able to wrap my mind around this thought process. But, I know why this idea is so easily accepted; after you get over the initial anger at God, it tells you that there is nothing that could have been done. It allows your mind to deal with the regret and try to move passed the what if I had done something different question. Because if it was God's will, nothing would have changed it.

I just cannot believe that a loving and just God would desire for war, famine, earthquakes, abortions,  and the sudden death of my husband at 44 years old. 

I keep coming back to an unborn baby. It is an innocent life; it has not committed any sin. An innocent child would be the most likely person for God to protect, but there are over a million babies murdered every year. No one can convince me that is God's will or that the baby did anything to remove the protection of God from it's life.

So, I've been asking God over and over again to show me what I'm missing. Were we living in some blatant sin, I didn't see? Was this really in His will? I just have not been able to find peace with either answer and then revelation came. I don't pretend to understand all of this, but I know that understanding the core process has given me some peace about God's role in it all. I will try my best to explain this.

Steve and I were talking one day about doomsday stuff and I was very adamant that I didn't want to hear about it. I was living under the protection of God, so nothing bad will happen to us bubble. Steve said look at the Christians in Egypt being beheaded because of their faith in God. I didn't get what he meant when he said it, but now I get it. You can live as righteously as you know how and you can die living that way and it still was NOT God's will. Neither of my polarized thoughts are the answer. Sometimes they could be the answer, but they are not always the answer. I have been stuck on this problem because I failed to see that things are not ALWAYS black and white.

I understand that God is capable of stopping bad things from happening and sometimes He actually does stop them, but sometimes He doesn't. I don't know why, but I'm starting to get some revelation on this. More on that hopefully in the next few days.

This does not change the grief I feel over the loss of my husband, but I believe I'm finally to a point that I can believe that God is not at fault and we probably aren't either.

August 6, 2014

Today was pretty busy again. I was at one of our client's sites most of the day doing random testing. I love busy days, except that I feel guilty for being away from my kids when I'm so busy.

The good in today. My son helped me with work and then he went with me to grief share. I have been attending grief share on Wednesday evenings for a while. I think it helps to go. Sometimes it helps more than others. A friend sent me a text to see how I was doing today. I also had a lot of company for lunch today, which was nice.

The thoughts of today: A question that was posed to me today Someone asked what I think about sightings of our dead loved ones. I have ALWAYS insisted that it's not possible because 2 Corinthians 5:8 says that when we are absent from the body we are present with God and Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief, today you will be with me in Paradise. I have used these two scriptures to base my beliefs on regarding our loved ones spirits.

Someone told me today that their two year old grandson keeps pointing and saying Paw Paw. Paw Paw died a few months ago. I have heard this kind of thing from several people. It's usually children that allegedly see the spirit, but I've talked to a few widows that say they have seen their husband's spirit as well. So, I began to wonder, if maybe I'm wrong. I have been proven wrong in a major ways regarding my faith already, so maybe I need to do some more searching on this issue. It is horrible to think that maybe I'm missing something I should be seeing.

The only scripture I can find that make it a possibility is the same scripture people use to tell me that there is no marriage in heaven. Matthew 22:30 tells us that after death we are like God's Angels. Angels appear to people, so if we are like Angels then maybe it happens.  Genesis 28:12 is where Jacob dreamed about the ladder that led to heaven. Many people claim that ladder was a portal (do a search, you will see what I mean) which allowed Angels to descend and ascend between the 3rd Heaven and here without interference from demonic forces. Heavenly Portals? It all sounds so sci fi.

I really don't know what I think on this subject right now. I believe that those kids are seeing something; whether it is the real spirit of their loved one visiting them or whether it is an Angel that looks like their loved one, I don't know.

Either way, I wonder why I haven't had the experience.

New Approach

It was suggested to me that I start taking a new approach to blogging. I have always found writing therapeutic, but I tend to censor what I publish for others. I wait until I have stored up a ton of emotions and then I kind of throw up on the page. So, here goes.

Today was a decent day. I was busy all day long, which makes life easier. I still find sleeping to be the best part of life, so when a day is crammed full it makes the day go faster. I still dream of Steve pretty often, so sleeping is a nice escape from reality for me.

The good in today: I had my hair colored today; I can't stand it when my hair starts showing the gray. My oldest daughter called, my son and nephew came to see me, and I attempted to talk to a friend about 5 different times today. Attempting to talk to a friend doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'm very introverted and I never make phone calls, so it was a step for me. I also voted today.


The major thought processes today:  1. Somehow I have to get my brain functioning again. I keep forgetting everything and that's not going to work out in law school very well.
2. As much as I thought I was getting over questioning God, I realized when talking to someone that I am still questioning Him in some ways. Someone made the statement that a certain situation didn't have to be the way it is; we could pray for God to intervene and change it.  I know God could definitely do it, but would He.

Defective

I don't even know where to begin. I have had a couple of weeks of massive waves of grief. I'm grieving a lot of secondary losses. I've been participating in my own grieving process and observing some others. While it is all very individual there are common threads.

Grieving people really need other people around them to help them process life. They need help with manual tasks, but mainly they need your presence. They need people around to listen. Some grieving people will not open up to people they are close to because those people might be grieving too; other's of us will only open to people we are close to. This can be a big problem when the people we are close to start pulling away.

Everyone eventually pulls away.

Talk to any grieving person and they will tell you they feel so alone. I've tried to see this from the other side. I understand that those of us who are grieving are not the best company to be around. Most people avoid a grieving person because they have no idea what to say.  I know we are depressing and if you listen to us venting our pain you might get sad. Why would anyone go through this much pain, by proxy, if they don't have to, right.

Alone is a horrible place to be. Alone = NO hope.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have someone to listen. Eventually, our grief takes a toll on your friendship and we see that our grieving is killing that relationship too. Our grief kills every relationship we have; so we shut down and bottle it all up. There are times we have kept it inside so long that just being in the presence of other people makes us cry. We so badly want to talk it out, because talking actually makes us feel better, but we won't talk because we know you don't want to hear it.

People will think you are doing better because you are not crying all their shoulder all the time. If it's even possible you feel like even more of you is dying because now you have lost many of the other relationships in your life too.

I feel broken like I'm some kind of defective person now. I lost the only person in the world who made me feel whole. 

Next step is to pay someone to listen to me. At least I know the parameters; they don't care, but they won't pull away.  

Having a broken heart is like having broken ribs. On the outside you look fine, but every breath hurts! Greg Behrendt