If I Could See You Again

If I could see you again there are so many things I would love to say; I wonder if I would actually say them. I imagine that you probably would already know everything I'm thinking, but it would mean everything to me to be able to talk to you again.

After all this time, I STILL find it hard to believe that you are actually GONE! It is beyond my ability to comprehend how that happened. How did I go from kissing you goodnight to you being gone a few minutes later? You were so strong, my rock, my strength, my safe place to land and then you were just GONE.  How is that possible? How is my heart supposed to deal with that? Gone in an instant!

Did you have any idea what was happening when you died or were you as shocked as me. You have no idea how much I prayed, I tried so hard to bring you back. There are so many things I wish had done differently; I was so unprepared. I wish we had talked about this.

I can go about a week or two without crying now, but even that feels wrong. I don't feel guilty, I just feel like memories are slipping because the only way I keep from crying is to try not to think. Some memories are so strong and others are fading. Some of them are not all that important to most people, but just the fact that I can't remember something, even small, drives me crazy.How could I ever forget any of it.

Trying to "move on" but that doesn't happen. I know all you ever wanted is for me to be happy and I'm not spending all my days depressed anymore. Remembering makes me feel closer to you. It just feels wrong to try to live my life like it's normal that you aren't here now. Our daughters needed a Dad, so now I have to remind them of all the little things that made you amazing. I can only live this new life for a little while before the reality that you are gone gets to be overwhelming again.

I feel like I'm walking a tight rope attempting to balance being strong for them to keep going and allowing myself to grieve and feel whatever I need to feel. Most days I am balancing o.k. or at least, on the surface I am. Today, I'm falling. The tears don't stop and I can only describe the pain as feeling like my heart is being ripped from my body AGAIN.

I used to feel your presence sometimes, especially when I woke up from dreaming about you. You hardly ever show up in my dreams anymore and I haven't felt your presence in a long time. I don't understand why. I really want that back.

If I could see you again, the thing I would want you to understand most of all is how much I have always loved you and how sorry I am that I left that hospital, or that I didn't make better decisions. No words would be able to explain the depth of either of those things and I imagine that, until I see you again, I will continue to wish that I could try to explain them. Until I see you again, I will have to hope that God allows you see how much I love you.
Until then...