5 years- Not As Broken As I Thought

Here I am 5 years into this grieving process and there are still some days that suck the breath out of me. There are literally days that I feel like my lungs will collapse from trying so hard to breathe. It’s

not the same as it was, I don’t have those days frequently anymore; but they still happen and I assume they always will.




A childhood friend of mine recently lost her infant daughter and she posted this picture.

I remember everyone telling me how strong I was and me feeling like they have to be blind, I’m completely falling apart, but when I look back at the last 5 years I see that it was the process of going through it that made me stronger. I wasn’t strong at all, I was so much weaker than I ever thought I would be when tragedy struck. Taking the time to go through the process of grief and allow yourself to feel the pain, rather than trying to numb it, is what makes you stronger.

I was talking to another friend about the differences and similarities of divorce and death. Personally I think there are just a couple main differences: 1. With divorce you can, if you choose to, apologize to your ex for any regrets you have. You still have time to right some wrongs, even if you don’t get back together. With death, there are no more chances to have any conversation. You are left with only the memories you have. 2. With Divorce you typically become a little bitter because you hold onto the hurt they caused you. With death, you tend to let go of the wrong they did and focus on the good. I used to say that with Divorce you have a choice to walk away and with Death you didn’t get a choice. BUT, I have learned some things that make me rethink that statement. You don’t always have a  choice when it comes to divorce. It involves two people and both people have to decide to stick it out. If they decide to leave, it doesn’t matter how much you decide to stay, it’s over.

Whether it’s divorce, death, or a breakup, it’s all pain. The challenge is to let the pain grow you. Let it teach you more about you and God and your place in life. I will tell you that looking back I learned so much more about who God is and who I am in the last 5 years than I learned in the previous 36 years combined.  Even after I got through the first 2 years of feeling completely broken and I tried to pick up an move on, I continued to learn. This last year has been full of challenges in my personal life. I know I have promised to be completely transparent in this blog, but there are some things that just aren’t my story alone. Other people are involved and I try to not give a one-sided story. That is part of the reason I have not written much, because I don’t really know how to tell my story without revealing parts of their story too.

Everyone knows that after Steve died it took me a long long time to even consider being in another relationship and to be completely honest I never believed that I would connect with someone else the way I connected with  Steve. I think it is totally possible to love more than one person, but finding a connection like that more than once in a lifetime, seems impossible. Especially because of how broken I have felt. I have not been able to see me allowing myself to love like that again or risk feeling that loss again. Fast forward to my relationship with Joey which I can’t really go into but it didn’t work and ended earlier this year. I got myself and my kids back to a good place and I was completely happy being single, but  out of the blue I met someone. I’ll call him M. It was almost instant that he just felt like home. There was never a moment when it wasn’t like we hadn’t known each other our whole lives. We became best friends and before I even realized it had happened I loved him. I even made it a point to take this super slow, but like I said the connection we had was so familiar. We were together about 7 months when I found out he was leading a double life. I was crushed. I couldn’t believe I had been manipulated and yet I loved him. So many emotions came flooding back and I couldn’t understand what was happening to me emotionally. Why would this circumstance cause me to go reeling backwards 5 years into the depths of that grief. Then one day it hit me, this is that moment where I didn’t have a choice with Steve, I didn’t get to choose, he was just gone. That deep connection I had to one other human being on this earth vanished in a instant and neither of us had a choice. Now, I had to choose to walk away from the one person on the planet I felt the closest to. We talked all day every day, he was the first person I told all my news to. He became my sounding board. I thanked God for him all the time.  I cannot begin to explain to you after having had the choice ripped away from me with Steve how hard it was to make the choice to voluntarily walk away from M and know that he is still here.

So, here I was 5 years later trying to figure out why me?  I know that God uses all things, even the bad, for good, but how in the world could He possibly use this situation?  Why didn’t I see through the lies and what could I possibly learn from this other than I shouldn’t trust men. I didn’t want this to make me bitter, I just wanted to understand.

What I learned was I AM NOT AS BROKEN AS I THOUGHT I WAS.
 I did allow myself to feel that deeply again; it is possible for me to allow someone in and this time I knew how strong was I was. I have survived much worse, even though it felt like it would break me to have to voluntarily walk away from that connection, I knew it wouldn’t. I know who I am and what I want out of life and relationships. Every setback only serves to make me stronger. So back to the picture, it is true that when you suffer a loss you don’t have a choice but to survive, however you have choices on how to survive. Many choose to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol, but the reward for letting the pain propel your growth is so much more rewarding. Death, divorce, breakup whatever the relationship issue is the challenge is to not let the pain contaminate you, but let it change you and allow you to learn and become a better version of yourself.

Letting Go

I posted this on the personal blog instead of letting the article publish it because it discusses issues of people close to me in all different types of relationship.

Letting go is the hardest thing for me to do. I always feel like if I just keep trying, I can fix whatever the problem is. The truth is, I can’t fix everything, and I’m learning to accept that I wasn’t meant to. I have a few friends and members of my family going through some similar issues right now. One is dealing with the fact that her son’s father doesn’t participate in his life, one is dealing with in laws not wanting her around, one is dealing with a significant other that shows no affection, one is dealing with grown children who barely ever talk to her unless they need something, and another is dealing with a marriage that operates more like a business arrangement than love. I find myself being so angry with the selfishness of people; I cannot begin to fathom the amount of arrogance it takes to destroy your relationships so you can love yourself more than anything or anyone else. It’s something I have been seeking God on quite a lot lately because, by nature, it seems like these are things we should be able to fix.  I will try a thousand ways to fix something and rarely will I ever give up. But there have been those few times that I wash my hands and quit. When I have finally decided to quit, it was not because I didn’t see hope; it’s because I saw the hope, but I wasn’t the one in control of how the story unfolded. It is gut wrenching to see the potential and watch it slip away because someone made the wrong choices, but when you allow other people into your life, things can get messy. Friends, family, and spouses, are all people you love deeply, yet, sometimes they do not reciprocate that deep love which causes a seemingly unstoppable pain.

You can’t force someone to care about you the way they should. You can’t force them to give of themselves like you do. You can try to carry the burden of the entire relationship on your shoulders; you can try to drag them into some semblance of what true love and relationship is, but once you have brought them there, what next? You have drug them here, they didn’t choose it and they certainly didn’t put the blood, sweat, and tears in to earn it.  You can push your child’s father into a fake relationship, but at some point, your child will know there is nothing real there. His father is going to have to figure out what he has done and do something to earn that relationship. Your spouse who refuses to do the hard work to fix what is broken will not suddenly understand and change their actions on the 5^th request.  Here is what I’m learning from all these situations I’m surrounded by: Your child may have some scars because his father (or mother) didn’t make an effort and wasn’t there for him, but there is absolutely NOTHING you can do or say to force the man to be a good father. There is nothing you can do to make someone treat you right, regardless of who they are. Your in laws may dislike you because of things you had nothing to do with, and your significant other may be so selfish they do not care that you need something more from them.  You can and you should have conversations with all these people in your life to attempt to mend the cloth that is tearing, but what happens when you have had those discussions repeatedly? Each time, they will make an excuse or they will admit they are wrong.

But, here’s the deal:       Until they see the gravity of it all for themselves, it will not change.

So far, this sounds hopeless, but I promise you I have a bigger point to all of this. There are things you can do to try to make your relationships better, but it is definite that when you are the only one trying you will give up. Here is what I am proposing, instead of just giving up when you feel desperate and there is no hope in the situation, give all that passion that you had to fix the broken relationship to God.  You may have to give up that relationship to keep your sanity; that’s the fallen nature of humanity.  Whether you keep trying to fix it or you let it go, take another step, and give to God.

I’ve seen a recurring theme over the last week, so I’m thinking God must be trying to get it through to me and maybe you too. Sometimes, I think God must be scratching his head in bewilderment. We do the same thing to God that these other people are doing. He sacrificed everything to show us his love and yet we refuse to reciprocate.  We walk in and out of relationship with him like he is a weekend parent, or the business partner. We obviously can’t do everything God has done, but we pretend that doing good things shows how deep our relationship is with Him.

Does it prove how much a father loves his child when he buys them a piece of candy?

 Does it prove how much your spouse loves you when they say the words?

It’s the same way in our relationship with God, the deeds and the words are nice, but they do not offer sufficient evidence of the relationship. Here is the bigger point, at the end of our lives, God is all that remains so maybe we should stop trying so hard to fix these relationships and work harder on the eternal relationship. I honestly believe that God will work on all these broken relationships when we realize that we cannot do it on our own. If WE could understand the gravity of it all, we would finally grasp that the power to fix it was never ours. Friends will fail us, relationships will fail us, family will fail us and in the end the only one who never fails is God. It is a daily decision, no it is a second by second decision to align ourselves with seeking relationship with God first and letting him sort out the rest. It is very hard to let go, but it is within the action of letting go that we prove how deep our trust is. Unless there is a miracle in this situation, you are going to let go eventually anyway; I’m just asking you to let go and give it to God before you let go and lose hope.

Understand that it may not work out the way you planned, just because you chose to give it to God. This has been the hardest concept for me to grasp. God can and does do miracles, but God also gave us all free choice and while you may be doing everything you know to do, there is another person involved in this and they have the same free will that you do. It may be God’s will for all of the situations I have mentioned to be resolved and everyone live happily ever after, but it takes two willing people to do the right thing. If one or both of you will not get on board and do the work it takes to stay in the will of God, then you can’t say it was God’s fault when it falls apart. 

To put it simply, here is what we are all mentally battling:

Step 1. Let go and just trust

Step 2. Stand and trust that no matter what everyone else in this situation does, God has you and he will work it all to your good.

New direction 2017

New direction for the blog, I will now be posting on my new facebook page. Go there to see the latest blog post written today :)
www.facebook.com/cyvalue

Here's the opener, but you'll have to go to the facebook page to see the rest.
O.k. so I've been thinking a lot about how to proceed with the blog and I'm happy to say I finally have a direction. About 6 months after Steve died, my life became about trying to find a reason that I am still here. I  needed to find HOPE and INSPIRATION to do something other than curl up in a dark corner and wait to die. Over the last 3 years, I have learned to set goals again and how it feels to accomplish something. I've learned  what true friendship is and mostly I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want...

Make the Effort

Well, it's been a while since my last blog; I have felt the need to write, but have struggled with what to say. I've been cautious because not everything on my heart is appropriate for public view and when I write, I tend to just let it all out. I've been mulling over a few things lately trying to figure out how I feel about them and writing usually brings me clarity.

Until this summer, I really haven't told many people at school about my life and everything that has happened. I find that I typically get one of two responses: 1. An apology for my loss and awkward silence until they can find a way to leave or 2. Tons of questions.
I prefer the tons of questions but sometimes they can be overwhelming because they unbury things I thought were buried. I'm noticing a lot of those things that I tried to bury a long time ago that keep resurfacing are plans for the future. That's another crazy thing about the death of your spouse, a lot of your plans and dreams die too. Some days you get a jolt of courage and strength and think I could still do those things, but you don't.

It's the people who apologize for my loss and then jet out as soon as they can that have made me "hide" my life. The reality is people don't know what to say or do and most people are so wrapped up in their fake fantasy worlds that they avoid any type of real life like the plague. Some people will even try for a minute but your reality is too hard for them so they bolt.

I have recently talked to a couple of people who went through divorces and immediately after the separation/divorce they fell into a deep depression. Newsflash: When someone is depressed they are not fun to be around. They often change many things about themselves, so much so that they become almost unrecognizable; a shell of who they once were.  In the worst times of their lives, the people they thought were friends just disappeared.IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!! In fact, having someone stick around and help you through the dark times is RARE. That is so wrong,

I'm not trying to condemn, I'm trying to educate. I am just as guilty of having handled things poorly prior to dealing with my own tragedy. I couldn't understand how someone could get so depressed and not be able to pull out of it.

Here's the issue, DEPRESSED PEOPLE NEED HOPE! Hope, it seems like such a simple thing to you because you have hope. Your plans are still taking place, you are not dealing with the loss of everything you thought would take place in the future. You're not grieving the loss of your best friend, life partner, children you'll never have, homes you'll never build, etc. That's why you don't understand, but you can, at the very least, attempt to help a friend who has lost everything. They will try to push you away at first, just keep trying. Believe me it's rare enough that anyone continues to try, you will probably be the ONLY ONE who shows you care enough to sit with them in their pain.

Don't get judgmental and condemning when they shake their fist at life or even at God.
They have to process every emotion and some people simply cannot process it without talking (or yelling) it out. God can handle it, Be the person who listens and gives them a place to go when they decide they want to talk. If you constantly tell them they are wrong, their feelings aren't justified, Christians wouldn't feel that way, etc you will never be able to actually help them when they finally get to the point that they can accept your help.

People in general are selfish and I have discovered that I typically will have to make 80% or more of the effort to maintain a relationship with most people, that means they give me 20% effort. Sometimes I just get tired and wonder if it's even worth it.  I think that is why most friendships/relationships are nothing more than a shallow imitation of the real thing. 100% authentic relationships require each person to be 100% dedicated to the genuine happiness of the other - SelfLESS! Don't leave anyone you care about wondering if you really care. If they have to wonder, you'e during something wrong.

Moral of this story: At some point each and every person will deal with a tragedy, even you. Don't be selfish, judgmental and condemning; learn to be selfless and make an effort to help your friends through their hopeless times because there will be a day, I PROMISE YOU, that you will wish someone would do the same for you.

Speak the language

I've been listening to The 5 Love Languages on audio cd and I've been reminded of so many things. I would highly recommend this book; single, married, parent's, anyone needs this information.
Steve and I went through a marriage seminar that dealt with the love languages and it changed our lives. We thought our marriage was pretty good already, but I honestly believe that learning this information and putting it into practice is one of the main reasons our marriage was fantastic. There's something extremely special about taking the time to study your partner and learning what you can do to make them feel loved. The best thing about it is, once you start doing it, it doesn't take too long until it becomes second nature and you don't even have to work at it anymore. If you truly love someone you want them to actually feel how much you love them, and this is how it works.

Basically the book describes how we all feel love differently. There are 5 basic love languages:

Have you ever noticed how someone you are with is in a bad mood or they are sad and then all of the sudden their mood has changed and they are happy? Chances are someone close to them did or said something in their "language" that made them feel wanted, loved, or appreciated.

The book explains it with a great analogy If you drive a diesel car but you put gasoline in the tank, it's not going to go far. If you keep speaking the Gifts language when your partner is Words of Affirmation or you speak Acts of Service when your partner is Physical Touch, their "tank" is going to be running on empty.

Sometimes, you will hear a person say, "I never saw it coming" when their spouse leaves them. Their spouse on the other hand has been feeling unloved and unwanted for a long time.

I think in many of those situations, one person has taken the time to learn how their spouse receives love and the other really hasn't been paying attention. The one who has learned what makes the other feel happy, wanted, and appreciated often ends up feeling none of those things in return. The problem comes in when they are continually doing what they know to do and it fills their spouse's tank, but they are getting nothing in return. Eventually, they are running on empty and then empty becomes anger, then anger becomes resentment, and then it becomes "I'm Done." It is completely possible for one party in the marriage to feel like everything is fine and the other party to feel unloved.
This is also why you see heartbreaking memes like:

In the beginning of the relationship both people are usually speaking all 5 love languages and then they quit. Here's the million dollar secret to lasting relationships: don't quit speaking the language that your partner thrives on.

Steve and I learned what spoke loudest to one another. It didn't even seem difficult to me, I don't know if he found it hard or not. But, I know that once you start figuring it out, it becomes a fun challenge to see what works the best. Steve's love language was quality time, closely followed by gifts; mine is tied between words of affirmation and physical touch. It took me a while to figure out that I could buy gifts and they didn't have to be extremely expensive; he had expensive taste, lol. I bought him a motorcycle because I thought that would speak loudest, but I have realized that little thoughtful things meant just as much. There were many times I can think of off the top of my head to use as examples for how he spoke my language, but I'll stick with the most recent. While he was in the hospital, the day before surgery I was so torn between needing to go home to take care of my kids and staying with him that night at the hospital. I had people watching the kids and running them around all week, and I hate to ask people for help; I felt like such a huge burden. I felt like I needed to get back to Festus in time to pick the girls up from Awana, but it was killing me to leave him there. I kissed him goodbye and he pulled me closer and put his hand on the small of my back while he told me how much he loved me. The small gesture of putting his hand on me in a special way and pulling me closer had such a huge impact that I remember the way it made me feel to this day.
After I left the hospital, I was crying so hard I couldn't drive so I pulled over to the side of the highway and allowed myself to just sit and cry. He sent me a text asking if I was o.k. Something else he understood about me, I don't typically talk to people about how I feel, not even when I'm mad. He could tell I needed him, so when I explained that I was torn between the two things, he asked me to come back so we could talk. Then I had to explain that I couldn't talk because I could do is cry and I didn't want to cry and make things worse; he said that's o.k. come cry or don't cry, but do it while you're here with me. That's exactly what I needed to hear was that he wanted me there, even with everything we were dealing with, he wanted to comfort me. There were even small things in the days following that I could talk about, but the point is we spoke love in each other's language til the day he died. That's what true love does.

I have the advantage of having known and practiced this whole love language thing for quite a few years and now that I'm in a different relationship, the language I need to speak is different than before. It's a new challenge and I'm loving putting this information into practice from the very beginning. The experiences that I have had and the regrets from opportunities missed have made me so much more in tune with all of this than ever before. I am understanding myself better and I'm having a lot of fun learning how best to speak Joey's love language. Another interesting thing about the languages, is that even if you know two people who speak Quality Time, they both may have different dialects of the same language, so what works with one may not be as effective as the other. I honestly want Joey to feel more love than he has ever known and I'm really enjoying the challenge of figuring out exactly which language and dialect makes that happen.

Going on an adventure like this creates a certain depth to your relationships that you won't see in most; it creates a bond that is stronger than you can ever imagine.

I guess the moral of this story is, no matter what relationship you're in; if you've been divorced  or widowed or whatever, this is great information to learn. It's like a research project that ends up making you and your significant other feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.  This is great to do with family members too, not just your significant other.

I am posting a link to a video about the 5 love languages, it's not long and its a great clip. I am also posting the link to the 5 love languages quiz so you can discover your language.

.http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

2 years and 7 months out of control

I was reading a blog that I posted April 16, 2014  titled "Control." In it, I was talking about how we all feel like we have some kind of control over our lives and when tragedy hits we realize how little control we actually have. I made a statement about people trying to make me feel better by saying "God is in control" and that was supposed to work some kind of magic and give me peace. Let me tell you, "God is in control" did not bring peace, it brought extreme feelings of betrayal.  I did, however, admit that maybe it was just the timing and eventually I would get to the point that I could feel like God was in control AND He didn't betray me.

As I was talking to a friend the other day, I realized that I'm finally there. I still do not understand and I thoroughly believe that God could have made all of it happen another way, but now I can open my once closed, shaking fist and grasp onto the fact that God knew and did what was best for Steve, eternally. I always knew our own free will got him into the health situation he was in, but the fact that God didn't miraculously heal him doesn't feel like betrayal anymore.  There were plenty of times over the years that Steve and I discussed how he could change some things to make his health better, we didn't implement it. We didn't see the diabetes and high cholesterol as all that serious. after all he looked and felt fine. It wasn't God's fault Steve had a heart attack and it wasn't God's fault we didn't know he had a heart attack and waited to long too seek medical help. But, only God knows the future and for whatever reason God didn't stop it from killing him.

I'm finally in another perspective of the vast ocean of tragedy. God most definitely is concerned with life on earth, but he's more concerned with Eternal life and all I can do is trust that He knew September 11, 2013 was the optimal day for Steve to enter his. There is so much unknown, so much that is completely out of our control; it finally brings peace to know that God is in control.

I understand things differently than I did before. I used to look at Jesus and the disciples and see all the miracles and now I look at it and see Peter sinking, Peter denying Jesus, Judas selling him out, Thomas doubting, and almost all of them were murdered. Where I used to see nothing but miracles, now I see there was tragedy too. I have always been able to utter the words "God doesn't cause the pain, but he uses it for good." I never really understood that phrase until the depth of my pain was so deep, I was drowning. In that time, it certainly felt like God either caused or at the very least sat back and did nothing to stop it.What used to feel like betrayal, now, even though it is bitter-sweet, feels like gratitude because I do not have to question where Steve is. I still feel loss and sadness for myself and the kids, but finally grasping that God is in control AND he did not betray me is a feeling I cannot describe.

Just a thought

Disclaimer: I am not having any of the mentioned issues with anyone currently, but I have in the past and this picture made me think. 

I have seen this picture circulating on social media a lot lately and it made me sad. It makes me sad because it is such an accurate depiction of our society and it's so backwards of how it should be. We have all been conditioned to believe that we have to put ourselves first because no one else ever will. I'm talking about all our interpersonal relationships; parents, kids, spouses, etc. Our life experiences have taught us that if we put someone else first, they will just use us, lie to us, cheat on us, or steal from us. Our pride convinces us we have to be SMART and look out for ourselves above everyone else because we've all be broken by someone and we can't let that happen again.We can't trust anyone completely. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating being stupid. If someone has shown you over and over again that they cannot be trusted then believe them. But the problem comes in when ONE someone has broken your trust and you find it hard to trust EVERYONE. I've been there, I understand the issues involved. Putting someone else first is the ultimate vulnerability and sacrifice. Putting them first means you love them more than you love yourself. The problem is, no one does it anymore. It's become all about YOU because someone somewhere along the way betrayed you and you're not ever going to let anyone do that again. Sometimes it seems like a horrible balancing act because once you've been burned, you will see flames everywhere, even when there are none. Do you attempt to put out the fire before it starts or do you wait and see?

The only way to fix the backwards cycle is to have a little faith in humanity. Put other people ahead of you and maybe instead of teaching them you're second, it will teach them to put other's ahead of them. If you both put each other first, your relationship will be enjoyable instead of strained. 
Life isn't perfect, you will get burned sometimes. 

I've tried it both ways. I don't like who I am when I put me first AND It also really sucks when I put someone else first and I get betrayed. I have a choice to make; I have to decide if I would rather protect myself and try to keep from getting hurt or try to make someone else's life better because I was in it.

If I spend my life putting me first, then no one will notice when I'm gone.