Reliance

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words what has been on my mind for a while. I am still not sure I can relay it well, but I'm going to try.

If you know me, you know that I typically do not trust people. If given a project, I tend to handle all of it myself; that way I'm the only person responsible, good or bad, for how it turns out. I don't have to rely on anyone but me.

There is a legal term called "reliance" in contracts law. There are several elements to "reliance" but I'm just going to oversimplify it. Reliance occurs when one person depends on something another person said they would do. One person takes some action because they are relying on the other person to do what they said they would do. The remedy in court for this issue is that either the person who didn't keep their word is ordered to perform the promised action or pay whatever money you may have lost because you relied on them and they didn't come through.

This is where I have been in my relationship with God. I relied on him to heal Steve and I relied on him to do a few other things I thought were promises from a biblical perspective, but he didn't do what I relied on him to do. Since there is no higher authority, there was no way to make God preform. So, I've spent a long time mulling this issue over and over. I mean, it takes A LOT for me to trust and I knew that this whole situation was so much bigger than anything I could fix. We HAD to trust and rely on God to fix this. So then after the initial shock wore off I started trying to understand why our reliance on God didn't spur him to perform.

Christians typically live by one of two schools of thought. 1. God helps those who help themselves or 2. God is in control; there is nothing you can do. Until a year ago, I thought more along the lines of God helps those who help themselves. I'm not referring to salvation here; I'm talking about general everyday life things. I'm not so sure anymore; maybe the answer is somewhere in the middle.

All I know is I have no control over life and death. I can take all the precautions in the world to keep from having an accident and then lightening could strike me or a sink hole could swallow me.  People all over the world have buried a loved one and many of these people probably asked God to protect their loved one. I also know that if God healed everyone and stopped every tragedy we would be living in heaven now. I do not understand and I do not know if I ever will. The problem I have now is that I have to trust that somehow God does care about me and my family, all the while knowing that for some reason he may allow horrible tragedy in my life. I know, I know, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. My problem is that my thoughts cannot possibly elevate to any situation in which my husband dying and the pain I feel is in any way good for me or the world. I'm just supposed to TRUST that the ONE who could have whispered and worked it all out, didn't because somehow this is better.

I didn't say it was pretty, but that is where I am; eyes wide open. Even with my eyes wide open and feeling the pain I feel, I'm trying to TRUST HIM.

It feels like doing the trust fall with a partner who has already let me fall once.

TRADING PLACES

I find myself thinking a lot lately about what Steve would be doing if the roles were reversed. It has always been on my mind, but it has been weighing heavily on me the past couple of weeks.

Back story: Steve and I never really talked about one of us dying, but we had a conversation about not wanting people to be standing around over a dead body because we both knew that the person was not there any longer. It seems like even people you aren't close to, think it is necessary to go up to the open casket to pay respect. We were both aware that most people see this as a respect issue. However, we both felt that it does more emotional harm to the living than any amount of respect that could be showed. The dead person is already in heaven and no one knows whether or not they can see who is at the funeral crying over their body, but Steve always said, "I won't care." So the decision to not have his body at the celebration of life and to not have a graveside service was easy for me.That was about all we had ever discussed about death and I knew that was what he would want.

Currently: The part I struggled with was whether or not I should go to the grave when he was buried and if I should visit the grave afterwards. To be completely honest, I was not strong enough to go the day they buried him. So, he was buried without me there. Looking back at that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and the guilt continues, because I STILL can not bring myself to go to his grave. Someone asked me why I feel so guilty that I haven't gone since he is in heaven and wouldn't care anyway. I feel like I have failed him because I can't bring myself to do that one last thing that people do when someone dies. I feel like no matter what he said, he would have gone to my grave.

So, I've been contemplating the why. If he's not there, he won't care is what we decided. It just feels wrong, it feels like I'm being selfish. I have met a few widows recently and they talked about how visiting their husbands grave brought them comfort in some way. One of them writes him letters and buries the letters at his grave every 3 weeks. I can not see how going to his grave is supposed to bring me comfort in any way. But, it seems like it is was I'm supposed to do. Then the thought crosses my mind, what would he do. I honestly don't know, but I tend to think he would have been there the day they buried me and he probably would have gone to see the stone after it was set. I feel guilt because he would have endured that tremendous pain if the roles were reversed.

IN EVERY PART OF MY LIFE, I wonder if I wasn't here and Steve had to do this what would he do? It seems like it's my responsibility to continue our lives the way they would have continued with both of us here.

Missing my Go to Guy

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that I have wanted to talk to Steve about. It is so hard to put into words, but we were so close that I literally talked to him about EVERYTHING. Now, when something happens that I can't discuss with him, it feels like the knife gets twisted and thrust in further.
First, I think my counselor is done with me. Like quit on me! During our last session, we discussed some questions I have about faith and God. She obviously didn't agree with me. She tried to tell me God was a woman and that our deceased loved ones are hovering above us and in us. I did really good though, I didn't tell her she was wrong, I didn't even argue with her at all. I just let it go. I think, my questions and belief system must have scared her off though. I really wanted to tell Steve what she said, but then again I wouldn't have even been seeing her if Steve was here. She is the second counselor I've had though; the first said she had no idea how to help me and this one just quit.

Second, since Steve passed away I have been extremely forgetful. I forgot to send an email that was required for the girl's schooling. While I was at grief share, the person in charge of the school event called and left a message on my voice mail. I didn't get home and remember that I had a voice mail until after 10p.m. Thinking it would be too late to call the woman back, I sent an email with the requested information. Apparently, my forgetfulness was a HUGE deal and the woman sent an ignorant email back to me griping at me about not emailing in the first place and also not answering her call the night before.  I called her to explain that I thought I had sent the email, but I forgot and I didn't answer the phone because I was in Grief share and when I got home, I didn't want to call her too late. Her only response to me was well, I didn't know any of that and you didn't tell me in the email you sent that the reason you didn't call was because it was too late. SERIOUSLY! This is supposed to be a Christian Woman leading a Christian schooling event. I understand that I messed up, but a little understanding would have gone a long way.

Third, one of my classes required that my group of 6 people do a presentation. I was assigned the introduction and the ending. Unfortunately, this presentation was due right at the one year anniversary mark, so my mind was not in it. I thought I was supposed to do parts another person did. I'm still not sure which one of us was supposed to do it, but it got done. I just didn't do much of it.

Fourth, one of my instructor's is on a power trip and got upset because I closed my laptop before class was over. I just keep thinking, this feels more like High School than Law School. I have always closely guarded what I say (until this blog) and do because it seems like I'm taken the wrong way a lot. This situation totally blew my mind. It wasn't like I was putting stuff away in my bag, I simply closed the lid on my laptop.

Fifth, I attempted to call a creditor. The bill is in Steve's name only, but it's one of those situations where by Missouri State law the asset is mine, which I would assume means the company wants me to pay for it. I sent the company a copy of Steve's death certificate to verify that he could not longer handle the situation and that I would be handling it. I called to talk to them and they asked me what name the account was it. I told them Steve's name and the lady says I need the name on the account. I said, that is the name on the account. She says, you have to give me the name exactly as it appears on the account. HELLOOOOO! That is my husband's name. Here is his full name too, does that help? No, apparently they have some odd variation of his name listed and they either need to speak with him or they need me to tell them how his name appears on the account. Great! Well, if you can't talk to me, after I sent the death certificate in, then good luck getting your money.

There is so much more on a day to day basis, but these are all things that somehow Steve would have made seem like less of a big deal. He would have said something funny that would have become an inside joke told all the time.

The First Year - Some of the things I've learned

The one year anniversary of Steve's death has just passed. Over this past year, I have learned some things I never wanted to know. Overall, what I think and feel changes more frequently than I ever thought possible. Just when I think that I've passed a stage of grief, it comes back. Someone described it as a tangled ball.Obviously, not everyone grieves the same way, but this is what I've learned.

Friends are vital.  As much as you don't feel like talking, you have to. Good friends look beyond the pain, grab hold and don't let go. They are very rare!

You will feel alone, even if you have good friends.

You will feel like you have lost your mind. It is common to forget very important things.

You will feel like you have lost touch with reality. Often your dreams will seem more real than your life.

You will not want to be around couples. They will be a constant reminder of what you have lost. It is still this way a year later.

You will dream of him A LOT. In your dreams he will have survived, or he will have died and come back or he will have died and only you can see him. This still happens after a year, but much less frequently now.

You will feel like you have lost part of yourself. You HAVE lost part of yourself.

You will obsess over things you never thought of before; death, heaven, clouds, eternity,the last time you saw them, time of death, etc. After 6 months, this comes and goes

You will have a ton of regrets. You will regret things you did, things you didn't do; things you could have changed and things you couldn't have changed. You do eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot change the past, but there will still be days that you cry through the regret.

You will feel absolutely HOPELESS. You may even feel jealous of dying people (understand that this also relates to feeling like you have lost your mind). Thankfully this will start to fade after about 4 months.

It will feel like the best part of your life is over. This comes and goes. Eventually you just learn to go on and try not to thing about the future.

You will feel abandoned by God. In the darkest time of your life when you are looking the hardest for God, you will not recognize Him.

You have not been abandoned by God. I don't know why he seems to stay silent when you need him most. Maybe the grief is just too loud. Nevertheless, eventually you will start to feel some peace and presence again.

August 19 - 26, 2014

Law school has me way too busy to write like I should. I have 5 classes and there is about 8 hours a week of homework for just one of those classes. I can't really remember what I did on the 19th.

August 20th, I went to see the counselor again; I'm just not sure we are a good fit. However, I don't have time to find a new one.

August 21st, I woke up in a decent mood, but a conversation with a friend quickly changed my mood. It kind of ruined my day. Sometimes friendships are lost, not because of death, but other reasons beyond our control.

August 22nd The girls and I participated in a local 5 k along with a few other people. The 5k took place in Forest Park. Forest Park is across the street from the hospital Steve died in. I have made it a point to not drive by that hospital since September 11, 2013. I have gone to Forest Park, but I go a different way. When I drove to the 5k it was daylight and I managed to drive in a different way to avoid the hospital. I was not aware that the 5k would put me in a position to stare directly at that hospital. Then when we left, it was dark so my friend was guiding me by GPS. The GPS took me right by the hospital. I seriously thought, it's ok I'll just deal with it. Then it happened; I couldn't control the tears. I couldn't stop looking at the area of the hospital we were in. Wondering if the room I was looking at was the room where I last kissed my husband goodbye. I LEFT MY LIFE IN THAT HOSPITAL and I haven't allowed myself to even consider looking at it since then.

August 23rd. I spent the day running around preparing for a bridal shower I was throwing for my soon to be sister in law. We did the shower and then I took the girls to get a pedicure. By the time I got home I was too tired to do homework.

August 24th. Went to church and then went to serve a summons. That turned into a huge issue. I have served papers for a couple years and I've never had a problem. This guy was insistent that he was not accepting the papers. I was glad my son was with me because the guy became irate and my son had to step in to stop him from hurting me and/or my vehicle. After dealing with all of this, I didn't get home in time to do homework yet again.

August 25th and 26th. I went to school, took the girls to karate, and did tons of homework.

People have been telling me to expect the one year anniversary of his death to set me back again. I thought maybe I would keep myself so busy with school that I would be able to deal with it a little better. This thing is so unpredictable. It's like I can feel myself falling in slow motion. You would think that the ability to have good days would give someone like me hope that the future won't suck. When the bad days hit, it makes you realize that this pain will last FOREVER. It may not be as intense every day, but there will be days when it will be this intense and those days will keep coming  FOREVER.

August 18, 2014

Today was my first full day of classes. It was a VERY long day with a lot of information flying at me. I enjoyed most of the classes, but I really wish I could have made my own schedule. I could have better managed my time.

The good in today: I attended all my classes and completed all my homework AND I made it home in time to take my kids to karate.

Thought process: Parenting alone is hard work. I didn't realize how difficult going to school full time and single parenting would be emotionally and mentally. I feel horrible and I consider giving up at least 10 times a day because I never have any real quality time to spend with the girls anymore. When I'm home I am doing homework ALL THE TIME. This is just the beginning of law school, so I can only imagine what the future holds. I know that the girls watching me do this will hopefully give them the drive to go far in their education. Sometimes, I just wonder if I'm making a mistake in my timing. There are + and - on both sides and here again is another time that I would love to talk to Steve.

August 13th-15th 2014

Orientation week is finally over. It was unbelievably busy and pretty strenuous, even though it was just orientation. There is already a ton of homework to do this weekend.

August 13th was Service Project Day. My group volunteered at the St. Louis Kennedy Sports Complex unloading books off of a truck and organizing them. It doesn't sound like that much work, but my feet and back were feeling it by the end of the day. We rode to the Sports complex and back in a school bus. Believe it or not, that is the first time I have ever ridden a school bus; perks of private school. I now know that I didn't miss out on anything. It was VERY LOUD! I also made the mistake of sitting in the back of the bus on the trip back to school and I was pretty nauseated by the time we got off.

August 14th was the day where we were all introduced to all the clubs on campus. I was very interested in the Constitutional Law club until I started talking to them. The first thing they said is "We are the liberal progressives on campus." REALLY! Well that plan went down the toilet.

Today, I was actually able to attend my kid's karate belt ceremony so that was great. I started trying to get some homework done, but things kept distracting me. I forgot to get a prescription, so I had to go do that. Our clients were having a problem signing on to the site, so I had to fix that.
One of my daughters went outside for something earlier today and when she came back in she said that two guys were knocking on doors on our street. My son happened to fall asleep on my couch today, so I made a little sign and hung it on the front door. I need to buy a professionally made sign like this.

Deep thoughts: I keep saying WE and OUR when referencing things that are really ME and I now. It's so hard to come to grips with the fact that he really isn't ever coming back. People tell you that you have to actually process the grief or you will never get through it. They say don't push it down because it will only come out in a worse way. The problem is if I truly processed my grief ALL THE TIME, I would not be able to survive, let alone be productive. Honestly, some days I have to push it down just to keep going. It's an unfortunate skill that grieving people learn eventually. In the beginning of this journey there is no way to filter the pain. I remember sitting in restaurants with family, riding in a car with someone, or talking on the phone and just crying uncontrollably. Now, I have learned how to turn it off until I'm alone. However, there are still sometimes that my filter breaks and I can't control the tears. Sometimes, I'm sitting here trying to solve a problem or thinking intently about a situation and I get a flash of what Steve would say at this moment. At those times, I can't help but let it all out because I miss him and there is nothing that can stop the longing. Sure, I put one foot in front of the other and "do the next thing" which means I'm surviving and I'm doing what I can to better life for my girls. All the while I know that I'm doing what Steve wanted me to do years ago and wishing I had done it then. More than anything just wishing that I could rewind all of this and make it different.