Waves of Grief

A new wave is here. I know all the waves I have come through are not gone forever, they will be back. But, I'm learning to try to focus on one wave of grief at a time. I have pretty much stopped questioning God; I probably won't get an answer.

I have ridden the wave of grief over the loss of my biggest role in life, as a wife. Now I'm trying not to drown in the wave of grief over the loss of his role.

I miss my best friend. I miss the person that I had 100% confidence in to protect me and support me.  I miss the man who defended me and stood up for me when I was treated poorly. I miss having him to talk to and hearing his opinion.

I miss how he always held steady and did what he said he would do. When people close to us were being stupid; we always had each other.

I simply miss him and who he was to me.

What could have happened

I had a dream that has made me think about a couple things about divine intervention.

• There are a few times that I know of where I felt God intervened and saved Steve. I wonder how many times I don't know about. This doesn't lessen the pain of the fact that he didn't intervene on September 11, 2013, it only help to remind me that I should be grateful for all the time I did have him.

• I have come to realize that there is NO way to prevent certain things from happening. People can reduce risks, but they can never eliminate it. I know several Christians that have been diagnosed with cancer over the past couple months. The reality is that I will never understand why God allows things to happen, but I am grateful that Steve did not have to go through a long illness. I don't know, it might have been easier for me to deal with if I had been able to prepare; but I doubt it. I love Steve enough to outweigh my selfish desire to BE PREPARED and be grateful that he died suddenly. 

I don't think the pain will ever end and some days I'm not sure I will be able to stay sane, but I have noticed that in a VERY small way it helps to think about how much worse it could have been. He could have died in a lot worse ways.

After he died, some people said "maybe God was saving him from something worse" and my response was God could have healed him now and stopped whatever the worse thing is too. He's God, right? Except, God doesn't always intervene and I have no idea why. I don't think there is a magic prayer with specific words that makes him intervene, but for some reason he does, SOMETIMES. I really wish I knew what causes divine intervention. Maybe they were right; maybe God was saving him from something worse. I don't think God killed him, but it might explain why God didn't allow him to stay here.

I've notice the majority of Christians are extremely naive, like I was, and they honestly believe that they know what God will do. If I've learned anything it's that I don't know anything.

May 11, 2014

Mother's day, 8 months, and my nephew's graduation day. It was a very big day to process. I left town on Friday, May 9th to go down to Branson. This was my 2nd trip out of town since Steve's been gone. The first trip was a disaster. This one wasn't a disaster, but I have discovered that even trying to go on vacation is very difficult without him. Sitting in a hotel room with no one to talk to is boring. Doing practically anything without him is boring.

I was very proud of my nephew Troy for finishing his Bachelor's degree at 20 years old. However, the day was bittersweet. Troy's mother died when he was 4 months old and then Steve 8 months to the day before his graduation. Both of them should have been there to see this accomplishment and celebrate with us. Both of them are missing from all the pictures. The hole they have left is incomprehensible.

Loss of control

I hate the loss of control that I feel. I know everyone feels some sense of control of their life, but I think people that have lost someone very close to them have a realization that we really don't have a lot of control at all.  To some people a lack of control is a huge relief, but for me it is terrifying.

I would love to be at a place that I could say God is in control and that would satisfy me. It is hard to admit that I am not there yet. I feel like a horrible person because I cannot just make myself feel better by trusting that God is in control. After all, if God is in complete control then I obviously don't like the choice he made.

I keep trying to convince myself that there are things I do not understand; only God knows and all of this must be part of God's plan. Apparently I can change my mind about a million times a day because my head is constantly spinning with questions that change my mind.

It seems like the only people that have any real peace are the ones that just say it is all in God's control and they seem to actually trust that that is good enough for them. Maybe those people don't really have any peace, maybe it's just a faith statement; I don't know. I guess I won't know unless I can get to the point that I can believe that God was in control of it all and made a choice I can't believe he would make and then try to get beyond how betrayed that makes me feel.

Again

Very rarely something happens that completely takes you by surprise and you just CANNOT believe it's true. Could be a car wreck, a diagnosis,unplanned pregnancy, or a death. That feeling of absolute helplessness in an instant; your heart suddenly stops. That's how I felt when the Doctor's said there was nothing more they could do. That's how I have felt over and over again for months.

I thought I had started to accept that he was gone and I was going to have to figure out how to keep going without him, but apparently I haven't begun to accept it. That whole feeling has just come back instantaneously. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HE WAS TALKING TO ME ONE MINUTE AND GONE 10 MINUTES LATER. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT ME HERE.
Why do I have to go through this intense pain again? How many times am I going to have to start back at the beginning of all this pain?

6 Months

March 11, 2014 was 6 months. I did better than I thought I would, which kind of concerns me. I have remembered some things in the past week that have helped a little. It hasn't helped with the pain of losing Steve, but it has helped with the questions.
I have been looking for the balance between the "have faith and God will do whatever you ask" and "It was God's will" because the first statement didn't prove true and the second, I just don't believe. I remembered a statement I made to a friend once. He does not believe in God and he was asking me why a God would allow so much suffering and I told him that he was expecting Heaven now and we aren't there yet. My head knows that, but my heart couldn't understand it over the past 6 months. It still didn't answer for me why God intervenes for some and not for others. Sometimes it seems He intervenes for those who are doing less for him and then He sits still while those who are doing the most for him are suffering.

I had another realization about God's intervention. God exists outside of time and I cannot see the end. I have had people try to tell me that God may have let Steve die so that I would draw closer to Him. I hope that is not true! However, I do think it is possible that there are things that God knows and  I could never comprehend. I have no idea what those things are; if I did, I would know as much as God. I look at this situation and think about all the people Steve was helping and lives he touched; it seems to me that a lot more people would have been drawn to God if he had lived. Apparently, there will be some crazy twists and turns that I can't imagine.
I honestly think my life will be worse now that he is gone and I'm not convinced that my life is ever going to get better. No matter what I do from now until I die, it will be done without my biggest cheerleader. He's been telling me for at least 5 years to go to law school; it will be a very bittersweet journey.

Almost 6 months

I have not written in a little while because I have been trying to figure out how to explain where I am. I still don't know how to explain it.
I became extremely depressed in December and that lasted a few weeks. After a long conversation with a friend, I started to come out of the deep depression into a more "accceptable" depression for my situation.

I've been praying for almost 6 months for God to give me some answers or take away the questions. Give me some desire to live....something! For the past few weeks I have begun to see some very small speck of hope that life may not be over for me. Of course, in order to get there  I have had to take a break from my grief. I didn't even feel like that was a possibility a few months ago, but I'm guessing God did that because I was consumed with grief and now I'm grieving differently.

I no longer walk in the house looking for him; I still wonder why we didn't get our miracle. There are some days, like today, that I can't imagine HOW I will keep going, but it's no longer a question of whether or not I WANT to keep going. Believe it or not it took a LONG time before I decided I even wanted to live.

I survive most days by trying to not think about it all (seems impossible, I know) but it works for short periods of time. I know I have to deal with my grief, but dealing with my grief led me to complete despair and I can't go back there right now. So, for now, I put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about everything I have lost and everything I will never have or be again. It doesn't work for very long, but at least I get a few days out of it.

I've had to admit to myself that I don't know as much as I thought I knew regarding my faith. But, I've figured out most people don't know as much as they think they do regarding their faith. Now a lot of my answers are I DON'T KNOW!

I joined a grief share support group. The creators of the series, the counselor, and all the other members of this particular group believe that God already pre-ordained the date of our death and nothing we do can change it. They base this belief on Psalm 139:16. My question is if nothing we do can change it then why eat healthy and why go to a doctor when we are sick? Either we will live or die but it won't matter what we do.  This is one of those question I don't know the answer to. Does God really pre-ordain are date of death?  If so, what's the point of faith?