Fixer

I was born into a Christian family; my parents are pastors. I have known about God my whole life. Sometimes, I think that makes things a little harder. A lot of people have a MOMENT when they realize they need God and then they give their life to him. I just knew, there wasn't a MOMENT that brought me to a realization that I needed God, I always knew.
I have always been a "fixer." My personality just makes me want to fix problems for people. There has really never been a time that I felt incapable of finding an answer or helping someone through a problem. I have always known that there is a way to fix whatever the problem is, I just have to find the solution.
My whole life, I have "helped" God fix my problems. If myself or a family member is sick, I look up holistic solutions and go to work on trying to remedy the issue. If someone I know has a legal battle, I go to work on helping to remedy the issue. It's just something in me, that feels the need to fix things, UNTIL NOW. Now, I have a problem that I cannot fix. No one can help me fix this. For the first time in my life I can't do ANYTHING to fix it. I find myself having to rely on God completely; trust completely that even though I'm angry, hurt, and questioning Him that somehow he will get me through this.
I still don't know why this happened. I still have so much guilt that if I let myself think about it, I would go insane. I still have no idea how I'm going to make it through all of this loneliness. Somehow, I will continue living, even though I feel like most of me died with him. Somehow, I will get my girls through this with their Faith in God intact. Somehow, I will make this business, we were building, successful. I don't know if I will ever feel like a whole person again, but for the sake of my kids, I'm attempting to do more than just EXIST until I die.

This is how I feel at this moment which is continuously changing.

Red

Our son and daughter in law had decided to give me a pedicure for my late birthday present. Steve was in the hospital on my birthday, so everything was on hold. Today, my daughter in law asked if we could go get the pedicures. I never had a problem picking a color of polish because Steve always liked Red. So, I ALWAYS got red; I liked it too. The whole time we were driving to the nail salon, I thought about the color I would pick. Something so simple is now a major decision to me because now, no one cares what color my nail polish is. I tried to pick another color, just because I have never picked another color. I chose an orange color I thought, but after it was on, it still looks like a red.
As I drove up to my house and looked at the windows, I found myself hoping that I would open the door and see him sitting in his chair. As soon as I walked in the door after a pedicure, he would say "let me see." But, again reality smacks me in the face when I walk into the house and he's not here.

Breath

I start to have moments where I think I might be strong enough to do this and then there are moments that it just seems like I'm watching someone else's life.  Then the breath is literally knocked out of me by the reality of it all
I have been with him since before I even knew who I was. Now, I have no idea who that is because all of me was wrapped up in US. Everything that happens throughout the day, I want to tell him about. I look at my phone expecting to see a text from him and then realize I won't get those anymore. I think the loneliness has overtaken the guilt, at least for now. If you're blessed enough to be married, don't take the time you have together for granted.
If you are blessed enough to be married to your best friend, you know what I'm talking about; there is absolutely nothing in this world that I want to do without him. Everyone says "give it time, it will get a little easier." Maybe the guilt will let up, and maybe I will learn to accept not knowing why, but I don't see how the loneliness gets easier with time. It seems to me, the longer I'm without him, the more it hurts.

11 days

This is the longest amount of time I have gone without seeing him. He went on a motorcycle trip for 10 days once, but we talked on the phone every day. Tonight, I just really miss him. All the other stuff I've been feeling is still there on the sidelines, but the overwhelming feeling is I simply miss him. I miss him holding my hand everywhere we go. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss the way he made me feel. Most of all I miss feeling loved by him.

Should have been date night

Every Sunday we went out to dinner together; 2 hours of just the two of us. Now 5:30 - 7:30 will just be 2 more hours of me without him.

Another morning

I keep trying to figure out why I don't just dream about him. I need something to hold onto besides the image of them frantically trying to save his life or me looking at his body in that funeral home. I finally had a very short dream that he came to kiss me, but he could only kiss me twice because if he kissed me a third time, I would die too. I was trying so hard to get him to kiss me a third time and take me with him and the dream ended.  I wake up to another day without him in it and more questions as to what the point of all this is. Then, I tried to dip a q-tip in the colloidal silver bottle and accidentally dropped it in. Now, I'm crying because I'm realizing that even something so small I would have taken to him for help because he always knew where the tweezers were and I have no idea. I'm sure I can figure out a way to get the qtip out, but he should be here.

In his own words. God forgive me.

Since the Bible is infallible, then my only answer is that I did something wrong. Somehow I prohibited God from fixing this for us. This guilt I feel is too painful.

I found over 70 sermons written by Steve, saved on his laptop. One if them dealt with Hope in hopeless times. If you didn't know Steve personally, this should give you some idea of his level of Faith.  The underlined sections are underlined by me. This is where I see that in order for this to have been able to happen, I had to have stepped out of faith. Here is what he wrote:


Hope
As Christians we don't always have answers.
Sometimes things happen even to us we can't explain.
Jn 10:10 Satan comes to kill steal and destroy

Rom, 8:28 all things work together for good to them that love God.

When something tragic happens the question “Why is this happening to me” come up.
It's not about us!  This life is about Jesus Christ.
Jn. 16:32 ( jesus said)
[32]  But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me.

Jn 16:33 (Jesus said)
[33]  I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

You see in 32 that Jesus warns that trouble is coming, but in 33 says in me you will have peace, and tell them He has overcome the World.

James 1:2-4
 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this , that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Count it all joy, Hope is an earnest expectation of Good, if we expect good we have hope if we have hope we have joy.

When we are under pressure from life, and trouble comes we speak loudest.
People remember the bad things, the good things we tell them they forget quicker.
The news only plays bad news.

Luke 6:45 says
... for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

So when the trouble comes what are we broadcasting to the World?

 2 Cor. 4:5-18
You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. * This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” * We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, * will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are * being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Its clear the Great power within us is from God, because we are like clay jars. We are under constant danger, pressed on every side. Trouble is coming.
But our spirits are being renewed every day!
You see when troubles come against us they look bad, but we cant see the canvas God is painting on.
The day of Christs Crucifixion looked like the Worst day ever if you were there.
But we look back and see that it was the greatest day ever for all of creation.
We have to remember when trouble comes, that God is in control.
Lets prepare for trouble

1. Embrace that there is a higher purpose how

2. Hope when trouble comes

3. Use it for His Glory

We need to stop lowering the power of God's word to the level of our experience. We need to raise the level of our experience to the power of God's word.

 This is a saved letter he sent to someone at some point in time, but I have no idea who it was:

 "To answer your question about why do bad things happen to good people is a wide question but I
Will try to answer you the best I can without addressing any specifics.

First we need to see who is the root of these things that happen

 Matthew 4
   1Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.

   2And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered.

   3And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.


So we see that the "tempter" is Satan and that he even tempted Jesus.
next lets look in

 James 1
13   Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempt he any man:
14But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.


So we see here that God does not tempt us, but we are tempted because of our own doing and the work of Satan.

Lets look another place where we can prove who the cause of our troubles are.

John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

If our abundant life were only for heaven, how could the thief or "Satan" steal, kill, and destroy?
He cant this is talking about here and now. So we see that Satans Plan is to Kill us, Steal From us, and Destroy us.
But Christ has come to save and preserve us, to give us abundant life.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

This says that when we are tempted God will "make a way of escape" but we have to be serving God,  by reading his Word, and praying so we are use to being in communication with him, so we can hear him when he directs us to that way of escape.

Matthew 26:41
Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

So we see here that we need to be watching out for situations that might lead us into temptation and praying or being in communication with God on a regular basis to keep from temptation, but even so sometimes our flesh is weak and we do fall into it, When this happens we need to seek forgiveness  by Gods Grace.

We all know christian people with struggles, some even in very bad situations right now.
The word says in James 4:2 that we have not because we ask not.
we are also told in James 1 to ask in faith believing and doubt not.
What could be causing some Christians to be struggling?
many get their eyes on the mountain of need instead of what do i need right now. ( not using faith)
Others are also not a good steward of what they are given. ( wasteful and then want God to give more)
Some may not realize Satan has come to steal from them and destroy them, and they have been freed through Christ, and are just taking what Satan brings to them.
So we can see There are many reasons for the conditions we just described.
We are told in the Bible to cast all our cares on the Lord for he cares for us.
But quite often people don't do this they worry and fret over these things and don't have faith in what the Bible says.
When we don't have faith or trust that God will do what his Word says we are outside of faith and in fear.
Fear is the opposite of faith.
You may remember the guy named Job in the Bible and all the things that happened to him. many people only want to point out how Job continued to serve God even during all the bad things that happened, and some then want to blame God for the things that  happened, but if we look at the following verse we can see that Job was outside his faith in God and was in fear.
Job 3:25
For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

below we can see that we are to give all our cares, everything that matters to us to God

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your care upon him; for he cares for you.
Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
We see in Hebrews that when we don't have faith and trust God with our life and our cares that we can not please God
Can you see here these are ways we can let Satan get a foot hold in our life by not trusting God and being in Fear over things?

to put it simply, God works inside of Faith and Satan works inside of fear.

as i told you before the Bible says in Hosea 4:6
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

So if we don't have the Knowledge of God's word, we don't have the knowledge of his will, the knowledge of his promises, or the knowledge of the
authority we have to overcome the attacks Satan plans for us.
How do we get this knowledge?

2 Timothy 2:15 Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that need not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

We have to study the Word of God to attain the knowledge, then we believe, using our Faith in God to prevent us from being destroyed. "


It is devastating to know that the problem is me, but now I have an answer that allows for the sovereignty of God. I'm not sure how I even begin to accept this and keep going, At the time he was in the hospital I thought I was operating in Faith, but looking back I can see times when I was trying to be in faith, but obviously in fear. I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am. I wish I had been stronger for him.