Voiceless?

A little while back, I had a strange dream, a lot of it is too personal to share, but the main point is there was a man physically trying to stop me from speaking. It was not a normal dream, it was very disturbing;the kind Steve would have woken me up from. I knew what it meant as soon as I woke up and I knew the reason I was given the dream; it was all to protect me. Then, fast forward a few days from the dream and I heard a widow talking about how she had researched the word "widow" and it's origin means VOICELESS. Seriously? I mean, I guess I understand that in the first stages of being a widow, but it has been the opposite for me as time goes on. I have begun to find my voice now. Not that being married to Steve made me voiceless. But, I relied on him to be my voice, a lot.

I've been finding my own voice for the past few months. I got married at 18 and I had a wonderful marriage. I wouldn't change any of it, except how it ended. I wouldn't change it because it made me who I am. But, who am I, alone? It seems like everything gets defined by relationship status. I even have to figure out which box to check on medical forms. It is mentally exhausting to sit there and think well, I don't really feel single, but I can't check married because then they want spouses contact info and most of them don't even have a widowed box. I feel like saying I'm single is a lie because I didn't choose to be that way, if he was alive I wouldn't be single. Maybe I'll start a campaign to abolish the relationship status boxes on medical forms (probably not, but it sounded good in my head). They can just ask who to contact in case of emergency, they don't need to now how they are related, do they?

Seriously though, what are the things about me that I like and don't like? What do I want to change and where do I want to be a year from now? I guess I'm at the stage where I'm realizing that even though the pain remains, life does have to keep going. People tell you that all the time, but grief is such a personal thing, you eventually begin to just tune people out (Sorry, just being honest). Grief doesn't work as neatly as everyone wants it to and I am reminded daily that it will never be over. It is a process that will take my entire lifetime, but that doesn't mean my WHOLE life will be all about grieving. I'm seeing enough hope to start thinking about something other than what I've lost. I'm starting to plan for the future.  I want to do something to make the world better when I leave it.



But, I still am not sure about me. The other day someone asked me what kinds of things I like to do and I had no idea how to answer that question. Steve and I immersed our lives in ministry stuff, kids, and businesses. I do not have any clue what I like to do. I've been thinking about it the past few days and it is absolutely pathetic that I do not know. So, I have given myself a challenge: over the next 6 months I am going to figure out what I like to do. Just me! No one else involved. It sounds so incredibly selfish and unlike me that it's almost hard to actually type. Obviously, I'm still a Mom so I have to do stuff with my kids, but when it comes to figuring out who I am, I want to know what I enjoy all by myself; when there are no kids and no husband, what do I like to do? I don't know, but I'm going to find out. By the end of 2015, I will have a list.

By the way, I'm not voiceless!

Women- Just keeping it real

Today has been one of those days that only a woman truly understands.  It's the kind of day where a man asks what's wrong and the only answer you can give is "everything." Sometimes, EVERYTHING is wrong! Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to ask someone what's wrong and get an answer like everything, so I try very hard to be able to give direct, defined answers.

I've tried to find the words and I can think of some, but I don't know that the way a man's brain works will be able to understand why it's such a big deal to us. I'm going to try to explain it. This will not be the same thing that is wrong with every woman every time she says "everything" but for the most part as I look back, it is almost always what is wrong with me when I say everything. Here it is: I feel like a failure at everything! On those days, I felt like a failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a student, a woman, a business owner; a failure at every hat I wear. I am very well aware that Life isn't perfect, but for some reason I still try to make it as perfect as I can. Obviously, I fail at that particular goal. Some days, I feel like ALL, or at least the majority, of the parts of me (the ton of hats I wear) are horrible at the same time.  The thoughts that run through our heads and the emotions that come from them are real to us. This is why it's easier to say everything because the list could go on and on for miles:

Just a few things that are wrong with our appearance:

• Crepey (Kra pee) skin. I know the men have no idea what this is so I googled a pic for you. 
• Age spots
• Wrinkles
• Gained weight
• Lost weight but can't even tell
• Stretch marks
• Varicose veins
• Eczema
• Dry Skin
• Oily Skin
• Acne
• Thinning hair
• Hair falling out (Stress actually does cause this, it's not just something some woman made up)
• Gray Hair
• Stupid hair 
• Etc

On to our other thoughts:

• I hate to cook, so how crappy of a wife and mom does that make me?
• I didn't get the laundry done
• Forgot to pay the bill
• Never spend enough time with my husband
• Never spend enough time with my kids
• Never spend enough time with parents, siblings, extended family.
• Are the kids involved in enough stuff?
• Are the kids involved in too much stuff?
• Completely screwed up the assignment
• Did horrible on the test. 
• Forgot the appointment
• Forgot to bill the client
• Forgot to send the email
• Missed the deadline
• Etc

Most of the time only a few of these failures circle my mind, but I noticed on the "everything" days, it is like failure overload. It is all coming at me at once and I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything or anyone. Any change in circumstance can change our perception of who we are.

When your teenager thinks they know more than you do, you're a horrible parent, but when you buy them a car you're great. When you are getting straight A's in school it's obvious to everyone that your a good student, when your business is successful everyone assumes you know what you're doing. Spin the circumstances the other direction and suddenly you're a different person. 

I remember having one of these days about 5 years ago and when Steve was asking 20 questions to get to the bottom of what was wrong, I said something about being a horrible wife. He responded with another question: Since you're MY wife, wouldn't I be the one to know how good or bad of a wife you are? While that was true, my thought was, of course, while I'm crying about being a horrible wife he is going to tell me how great I am. He did do that, but he also pointed out that we all have bad days because we are not perfect, but what matters is the heart behind it all. 

At the end of the day, "everything" all comes down to how we see ourselves. Some people always see themselves as a failure and they don't ever find there way out of that mind set. Other's see themselves in a more positive light and sometimes the light goes out and all they see is dark. Those are the "everything" days. I'm glad they are few are far between. They are harder now because he's not here. There are things I don't feel like I could tell anyone but him, so they stay inside and yes, I know that makes it worse, but what's a girl with trust issues going to do? So, I'll go to sleep and hope tomorrow is not an "everything" kind of day.